


A Life Forgotten

by Raven_Valentine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst, Boys Kissing, Castiel's POV, Denial, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hot, Human Castiel, Love, M/M, Memory Loss, POV First Person, Prostitute Dean, Romance, Stripper Dean, Sweet, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Vampires, Want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3752338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Valentine/pseuds/Raven_Valentine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know that when a Winchester dies he most likely comes back. So does Dean – again – but when Cas and Sam find him in a night club, Dean doesn't remember them or his past life. And being kind of a prostitute doesn't make it easier... Fluffy, sweet and a little different!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd. All mistakes are my own.  
> Please have mercy on me, English isn't my first language.
> 
> I'm really nervous about putting this up. It was fun writing it and I  
> hope you like it and let me know what you think!
> 
> Cross-posted on FF.net
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was hard to fall. My grace seemed to leak from every pore of my body. At first I wasn’t able to zap away like I always used to any longer, then I wasn’t able to heal even the small wounds. In the end I wasn’t able to hide my torn and singed wings from view and for more than a week I had to hide in Sam’s and Dean’s motel room, waiting for my wings to wither completely. This was the hardest part but I still remember the way Dean cared for me while I was stoically silent, just sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the wall because nothing made sense to me.

 

When his brother was sleeping at night, Dean would sit down behind me, his hands caressing what was left of my wings so carefully that I sometimes doubted that it was the normally so tough hunter. His fingers began to stroke the bones that grew from my shoulders and from there he methodically combed through the remaining feathers and over hurt flesh and bones. Wings of an angel are always sensitive but when Dean touched them it felt like warmth and fire spreading through them in the best sense of the words. From time to time I felt a tear slip from my eyes. I was relaxing and letting down my guards under Dean’s gentle fingers. I was mourning not because I was losing my grace but because I was losing my wings and he would never touch them again once they were completely gone.

 

The night I lost them forever was hell. It hurt when the bones broke, it tore apart my flesh but Sam and Dean were there, helping me through the pain and once everything was over, Dean removed my shirt to care for the wounds that were left on my back. “I’m human, now.” I whispered, not daring to speak louder as I was new to this world, to this existence and I wasn’t sure if I was welcome or not. To Dean I was and at this moment it helped to know this.

 

“Everything will be fine, Cas.” Dean muttered while he concentrated on cleaning the – what I supposed – ugly wounds. “You will make a great hunter.” I guess he didn’t even realize that after his words he bent down to press his lips against the nape of my neck reassuringly. At this moment I lacked the strength and courage to ask why he did this and we never talked about it later though the memory of his soft warm lips is still imprinted onto my skin where he kissed me.

 

It were times with Dean when I was totally happy, not thinking about my own fate, just enjoying my life as a hunter. Dean never ceased to make me feel like a loved brother and he was always there when I needed him. Our conversations were always inspiring and though Dean always tried to be the tough one I was able to look behind that facade to give him back what he so generously gave me.

 

I’m still not used to the way a memory can haunt a human. Especially when the other has died so long ago. Dean is dead for more than a year and the day I finally fell was more than three years ago but the hurt and pain are still there. Not because of my fall. I’m used to walking among men as one of them and I really don’t miss being an angel. I just missed my grace once and wished that I had it back. That was on the day my hunter died in my arms.

 

_ FLASHBACK _

 

_The case is nothing special. We are in a small town somewhere along a dusty road. I don’t remember its name and I don’t think it matters because we will leave once we are done, once the poltergeist is found and exterminated. Hunting has become a routine for me. A good one because I don’t feel useless when we help people and when they are relieved once we’re done and they can live in peace again. So I wasn’t thinking that anything could happen until it happened. Especially not when the hunt was already over._

 

_Sam has decided to go back to our motel room to get some sleep he has missed the night before but Dean and I are still wide awake, the rush of adrenaline keeping us awake, making us feel light-headed and invincible. But we are not. I have to realize this sooner than I like because when we cross a street it all happens so fast… I don’t hear the car approaching, I don’t see its lights in the dark but once we are in the middle of the road Dean grabs my shoulders and pushes me to the other side of the road._

 

 _I can hear very well what happens next while I lie on the ground, trying to get back my orientation when the screeching of brakes and tires reaches my mind and paints a horrible picture. I turn around to make sure it is wrong, to make sure that Dean was fast enough to get himself off of the road as well but when I turn around I see the sedan that cannot stop soon enough and it hits my hunter. I know I’m screaming his name but all I hear is this terrible_ noise _when Dean’s body hits the wall of a building at the corner, then falls to the ground, unmoving. Without thinking about it I get up from where I sit and run over to him, falling to my knees in front of him, barely noticing that his body is twisted in a horribly wrong way._

 

“ _Dean!” I scream into his face, grabbing him to pull him into my arms. He breathes! Thank God, he breathes. “Dean, wake up, please, please open your eyes.” I whisper and my shaking hand tries to rub blood and dirt off his handsome face. The people who gather around us slip my attention, I’m too preoccupied to care for them, all I can think about is the man in my arms. Seconds spread to an eternity as I watch him struggle to open his eyes. “I’m here, Dean.” I lean down and whisper into his hair. “Everything will be alright.” I know that it’s a lie when I look into his face and see_ that _smile on his full pink lips and_ that _spark in his eyes. He knows that this is our goodbye and I’m close to freaking out when I realize that I will lose him forever in the next few minutes. These ragged breaths are the last ones he will take, these beats are the last ones his heart will make and a part of me dies when the truth crashes down on me. “De – an…” I whisper again and hate how my voice breaks when I say his name. His smile only widens while his hand reaches for my face blindly. I catch it in midair and press it to my cheek. His fingers are so cold already…_

 

“ _I – I will miss your big, blue eyes,_ sweetheart _.” He whispers and I swear my heart stops at his words. Just like his. The hand falls from my cheek limply and I grab it again to press it against my skin but he doesn’t move, his eyes are dull and look into a distance I cannot. He looks surprised, scared even, his mouth half open, blood still running down his chin. Not now. Oh God, not now, he cannot leave just like that, he cannot say such words, then die. It just isn’t fair. I grab him and pull him against my chest but his body is limp, he doesn’t react because he died._

 

“ _Dean, no!” I yell into his ear, hoping for a reaction that won’t come. I rock us back and forth, trying to soothe him while it does nothing to soothe me. The rest of it all is a blur. People shout into my ear, they pull him from my arms, leaving me empty with the finality as they put his corpse on a stretcher to drive him away from here. They manhandle me over to one of the ambulances as well, I have a blanket around my shoulders and they try to talk to me but I just cannot understand what they say, my mind races, Dean’s last words ringing in my ears, I hear them over and over again._

 

_I need him. I love him so, he cannot leave me behind like he did a few moments ago, he cannot say something like this as his last words. I try to breathe, I desperately try to pull air into my lungs but it doesn’t work and the more I concentrate on the task the harder it gets. I never knew that emotional pain can turn into physical pain so easily. My heart hurts, it feels as if it was ripped out of my chest, my head aches because I cannot really grab the thought that Dean is dead. My vision gets blurry and I feel the world spinning around me before everything gets dark._

 

**+XxX+**

 

_When I wake up again it is utterly silent. There’s no noise in the room where I was sleeping, it is just white and so damn silent. I sit up immediately and from the appearance of the room I’m in this is a hospital. For a split second I dig into my memories to recall what happened but when I feel something tear at my heart I stop. Too late. It all comes back to me in a rush, Dean is dead, I lost him, I lost the man I trusted more than anyone else. My heartbeat quickens and an annoying sound goes off next to me, a high beep and only seconds later a nurse comes into my room, followed by Sam. I panic when I think about telling him that his brother is dead, I don’t want to be the one to ruin his life because I feel as it is my fault because Dean gave his life to safe me from being hit by that damn car._

 

_Tears run down my face when the huge man comes over to my bed and sits down only to pull me into a bone crushing hug, holding on to me for dear life. I guess that is the moment when he loses it, too, I hear his sobs and his tears fall onto my shoulders and for a moment we just sit there, crying, mourning the death of our friend and brother. The nurse uses the opportunity to inject something into my arm and it calms my nerves but not my mind. The panic ebbs away and all that remains is this utterly deep pain and sorrow. It just feels like I'm dying, too, everything hurts._

 

“ _I’m sorry, Sam.” I whisper, my eyes screwed shut because I’m afraid of his reaction. “I'm so sorry.”_

 

“ _It wasn’t your fault, Cas.” He mutters back, his voice broken like I have never heard it before._

 

“ _He pushed me off the street. And got hit himself… If I hadn’t been there…” Oh God, the only reason he died is me. I should have been more careful, I should have watched out if a car was approaching but I haven't and my omission killed him. It hurts so much..._

 

“ _Don’t even think like that, okay?” Sam says firmly and looks up at me. His eyes are bloodshot, he looks tired as hell and I guess I don’t look much better. “He chose this. Dean wanted you alive because he could never have lived without you.”_

 

“ _But how can he expect me to go on without him? It’s not fair.” I mumble, unable to believe that Dean regarded my life as more precious than his own. I have already lived an endless life and he only had so little time on this earth. I cannot believe that he didn't thought about it... I would so gladly have died if it meant that he was safe._

 

“ _Dean chose your life over his. I wouldn’t have expected anything less…” His words leave me puzzled. “We will make the best of it.” The younger Winchester brother – no! Now he is the only Winchester brother – gets up from my bed and hands me my jacket. How can we make the best of the death of my best friend? “Come on, Cas. We have to get you out of here. We’ll go home.”_

 

_I do what he tells me and put on my jacket, following him out of this empty room and down a few flights of stairs. I wonder where Dean’s body might be because Sam surely wants to burn him. He won’t give his brother a chance to come back as a ghost or something even worse. We have seen enough of these things to know that this would be dangerous. I don’t ask the question, I don’t want to bother Sam even more and I really don't want to think about it either._

 

_After a long drive, Sam stops the Impala in front of the bunker. “Do you want to… you know, I have to burn his corpse. Do you want to be there when I do it?” He asks, his voice without any emotion. I guess this scares him just like me. Nevertheless I nod and we both get out of the car where I follow him down a narrow path that leads us to a pile of wood on which Dean’s body rests, mercifully covered by a blanket._

 

_When he burns it feels like dying. Sam stands next to me with an unreadable face, he looks so lost and torn that I have to look away, into the flames that consume the body of the man I love more than anything else in this world. So he is gone forever and I will never see him again. I don't know how to go on but I have to. Somehow._

 

_The next days and weeks are worse than hell. Sometimes I wake up late at night, always from the same nightmare: Dean dying in my arms over and over again... Then I walk over into his room, just standing in the middle of it, inhaling his scent, looking at his possessions, imaging that he's still alive but it doesn't help. I always walk back into my room, hiding under my blanket, trying to shut out the world that is so much colder without Dean but in the mornings I still have to face it. I hate it._

 

_ END OF FLASHBACK _

 

The door to the library opens and Sam’s appearance tears me from my dark thoughts. I really cannot remember the last time I laughed or smiled. As an angel death hadn’t been the end of everything, but as a human it is different. I’m not able to visit Dean’s heaven to see him and make sure that he’s safe and happy, I’m not even sure if we will see again when I die someday. Sam walks over and sits down in the chair next to me and without a word he sets up his laptop on the table, opens it and types on the keys so fast that my eyes cannot follow his fingers.

 

“You have to see this, Cas.” He says and I nod. I guess it will be another strange case we will work on in the next few weeks. Since Dean has died, Sam and I are searching for the really hard cases that keep us busy and our minds occupied for as long as possible. Sometimes I wonder why Sam wants me by his side because it always felt as if it was Dean who wanted me to stay but obviously I have been judging the younger brother wrongly because he treats me like a brother as well. I once suggested that I left the bunker to start a life of my own – I really had no plan in mind – but Sam urged me to stay and said that he was glad for my company and that it makes it a little bit easier for him. I was stunned when I heard this and I was glad that I didn’t have to live on my own and could stay with someone I regarded as a friend.

 

“Look!” Sam says and again I turn away from my thoughts and look at the screen. It is a video of a surveillance camera. I can see a few aisles in a gas station or a small convenient store but nothing moves. Until someone walks into the sight of the camera and I freeze when the man turns around so that I can see his face. For a few minutes I just stare at the video as the man grab something from a shelf, looks around and then hides it under his shabby jacket. His whole appearance looks torn, his jeans is old with many tears and patches, the jacket as well, the face seems tired but I do not care what he looks like. I just care that it is _him_.

 

“Th – that is…” A sob escapes me before I can utter the name of the person on the screen and when he disappears from view and walks away I turn to look at Sam.

 

“Dean.” He ends my sentence and at that word I feel the tears slip from my eyes. Yes. The man looked like Dean, he was just as tall and had the same haircut, the same figure, everything about him screams “Dean Winchester” but I have seen him die, I have seen him burn… Is this some cruel joke?

 

“But… Sam, he died in my arms. We have burnt him.” He flinches at my words and I can see that he’s hesitating to feel hope just like me.

 

“This is the surveillance camera of a gas station in a small town, Perkins. It is a mere coincidence that I found it… But he looks so much like my brother that  I wanna look into it. It’s a few hour’s drive from here. We have seen so much shit in our lives, what if this is him, Cas?” I know that he’s right, we have seen strange creatures, monsters, demons…. I’ve been an angel for heaven’s sake. Though I tend to forget that sometimes. I’ve literally been to hell and back, I’ve found Dean and built his body back together, so at least I should know that everything is possible. I slowly nod, looking at Sam’s face where a small smile grows. We rarely smile lately, there’s no reason to because we both miss Dean terribly. Sam misses his big brother and I miss a trusted friend.

 

My heart pounds so hard in my chest that I’m afraid Sam might hear it. If we really find him, if this is really Dean, everything would get better. Hope rises in me and I try to hold it down, suppress it, because I’m afraid that this might just be a false alarm but it’s already too late. We both agree that we don’t need rest before we start our journey to Perkins, we wouldn’t sleep anyway and so we decide to just grab a few things and head off in about an hour. My mind races, echoing my heart. I already dream of embracing him, of feeling his warmth, the proof that he really is alive. I already think of all the ways this could end and it is pure torture. On wobbly legs I return to my room, grab a duffel bag and stuff in another jeans, some shirts and boxers, followed by my weapons. This is all we ever need, maybe I should add a book to the bag but I guess I won’t find the time to read. And even if I did, my mind would wander off, away from the story and back to Dean. Reading wasn’t easy in the days after his death. There was nothing that would distract me from my thoughts, sometimes I think about him even during our hunts. I miss him so terribly that it scares me from time to time but I’ve learned to live with the black hole in my heart that was once Dean’s place. Maybe that is the reason why it feels as if my heart withers, too, because it was mostly Dean’s…

 

There’s a photo on my bedside table, it shows Dean and me in Bobby’s house. It is old but it is the only one I have of him. Sam gave it to me on the day we burned Dean’s body, he said that he felt like I should have it and I’m thankful. Dean smiles brightly, it was taken during laughter and there are those wonderful crinkles next to his eyes that are turned towards me. It is a true smile, felt from the heart. He’s beautiful in this picture, it mirrors his true self: a man who wished for nothing but a little bit of normalcy and a little less responsibility. These aren’t exceptionally exclusive wishes but they never came true for Dean.

 

“I hope it is you, Dean.” I murmur and grab the bag from my bed. “I’m not sure how long I can go on without you.” With a last glimpse at the photo I turn and leave my room to find Sam ready in the library, his bag packed, his laptop under his arm.

 

“Is it okay for you to drive the first few miles?” He asks and gestures towards the laptop with his head. “I wanna do some further research, maybe we can minimize the radius where Dean might be.” If it is Dean at all, my mind adds helpfully but I smile and nod. Driving keeps me blissfully distracted and I can understand why Dean loved to drive the car while Sam and I where just sitting next and behind him, sometimes chatting, sometimes humming along with the music, sometimes sleeping. It was soothing, it was normal. Sometimes I’m even able to pretend that everything went back to normal, back to the old days and I can convince myself for a few, wonderful seconds that Dean just sleeps, curled up in the backseat where I cannot see or hear him…. It is a sweet little lie but sometimes that is everything that keeps me sane.

 

This time I don’t pretend that Dean sleeps in the backseat. I sometimes watch over to Sam’s laptop, his fingers type away on the keys so fast that I lose track of them and look back at the road ahead, following the thoughts about what we might find when we arrive in Perkins.

 

“There is a night club in Perkins.” Sam begins and when I take a glimpse at him I find him frowning. “They reported some minor thefts, too, and now they feature a waiter called “Thief”.” I don’t see Sam’s point but after some more typing he turns towards me. “Seems like it all happened nearly at the same time. Maybe we should start there, I can’t find any better leads to follow.” I just shrug, then nod. A night club might be a good idea, we all know Dean tended to spend a lot of time there though he always came home at night since I fell and I never smelled a woman all over him again like I did so often before. But maybe he has gone back to his old habits… The thought makes my heart ache painfully, it hurts a lot to think that he’d rather stay with a woman in a night club than with Sam and me. Something I wrong, if the man in the video was really Dean, he would have called us at least, right?

 

I don’t know what to think of all this and so I turn my eyes back onto the road, driving towards the town where I hope we will find Dean.

 

**+XxX+**

 

It is dark when we arrive in Perkins and the city seems cold and empty. There’s no one out on the streets, not even a car when we drive straight to the night club. We will look for a motel later, Sam is eager to start as soon as possible and I’m not complaining about it either. The sooner we find out if Dean is alive, the better. I hope he is, I so hope to see him again, to hear his voice… I’m not sure what will happen if this is just a false alarm. Before my thoughts can begin to wander off again, we arrive in the parking lot of the night club where I park the Impala in a safe distance from the door in some dark corner. Sam looks at the sign above the entrance and grins.

 

“Night Hunter.” He reads out loud. “Fits.” Not waiting for an answer Sam gets out of the car and stretches and I follow just seconds later, doing the same because the long drive left me tired but a few intakes of fresh air and I feel better.

 

The night club is nearly empty because it is still a bit too early to visit a place like this but we enter anyways and look around curiously. There are many tables, some of them gathered in front of a small stage with a pole in the middle and I can very well guess what the purpose might be. The waitress behind the bar is barely covered with thin fabric, displaying her advantages for a bit more tip. I hate places like this even though I’m not an angel any more. I just don’t believe in the concept of selling love, that is all and being here makes me slightly uncomfortable. Thank God that it is dimly lit in here and the few people who are around won’t notice the small blush that already creeps into my cheeks. Sam senses my discomfort and walks over to a small table in the corner. There’s something like a menu on our table but when I look closer I can see that there are pictures of people on it – both male and female. That’s just disgusting, ordering a person like a drink but I don’t say a word, just look up at Sam who still stands and looks around.

 

Dean isn’t here, I’ve seen it on the first glimpse but we will of course wait and check if we can find anything that might lead us to him. Apparently Sam wants to begin with it right now.

 

“I’ll talk to the bar keeper, maybe she has seen Dean or heard something about him.” He says then walks over to the bar, leaning on it with the brightest fake smile he can muster and of course the woman walks over to him, with a mirroring fake smile even brighter than his own, making sure her hips sway invitingly. I turn my eyes away from them and to the other customers. Some are studying the “menu”, others are just chatting and drinking. The door open and a group of men comes inside, followed by another group of women. For the time being I don’t know what I can do and so I idly reach for this sick menu, trying to find some distraction when a picture on the back of it catches my attention. I gasp when I see the man that is labeled with “NEW – ask for Thief” because he looks familiar. Too familiar. My hands shake when I look closer: it’s a black and white picture of a man standing with his back towards the camera, his hands leaning against the wall, his face not completely visible. I stare at his naked back, at the muscles and the flawless skin that stretches over them… I follow the line of his spine down, finding that the picture ends at his waist line but damn, I wish it wouldn’t.

 

This man looks so much like Dean that I feel flustered for a few seconds, not even thinking about reporting this to Sam, but still staring at the photo. It looks inviting, the way he stands, his arms caressing the wall with the gentlest touch, his face just turned slightly towards me, his back arching deliciously. Waiting, ready to be taken right where he stands... Swallowing I try to soothe myself because I’ve seen him without a shirt before but I’ve never dared to look as closely as I do now. I have tried to deny it, tried to ignore it but I’m just a man and I’ve always wanted him, from the moment I have grabbed his soul to raise him from perdition. And here I sit in a dirty night club, staring at the photo of the man I thought dead, realizing that my feelings for him are more than just friendship.

 

My hands are still shaking when I place the menu to lie on the table but still close enough for me to see it, to stare at it. So Dean – or the man who looks so much like him – is working here? Does this mean that he… Oh god! My hand moves to cover my mouth when an utter shock rushes through my veins. The mere thought of Dean selling his body for money makes me sick, really sick and I look around only to find Sam still standing by the bar, chatting with the waitress who leans over the top of the bar to give him a nice view.

 

“Hey sweetie.” Someone drawls into my ear from behind me and I freeze, the hair on my neck standing on end, my whole body suddenly at full attention. I know this voice. Heaven help me not to faint right here and now. If I wasn’t sitting I wouldn’t be able to stand because my knees get weak instantly. “I know you like what you see on this photo.” He goes on and walks around me, only to sit down next to me so closely that I feel his warmth through my clothes, burning me where his legs touch mine. With a gasp I dare to look up and find the most gorgeous green eyes, the fullest pink lips and the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. I wasn’t even aware how much I’ve missed him and how much I want him but I know now and it is not too late because he lives. But something knocks at the back of my head, something is wrong here but right now I’m too surprised to grab what it might be. “Fuck, you’re really cute, honey. I can offer you a better price than the one on the menu.” His eyes rake over my face, lingering on my lips. It makes me nervous beyond believe. “I don’t even want money from you.” He mutters, coming closer with his face towards mine with every word, our lips nearly touching.

 

“Dean?” It’s a wonder that my mouth I able to form a word but this one obviously puzzles him. He shies back from me, but only a few inches and looks into my eyes questioningly.

 

“Who’s Dean?” he asks and there it is: he doesn’t recognize me. He didn’t call, he never tried to come home to Sam and me, he came over to me because he thought I was a customer, he said those honey sweet words to get my attention but he doesn’t know who I am! That’s what felt so damn wrong the whole time. It would have been too great if things were easy for us. “Is he your boyfriend? No… You’re not the type who would come here if he had someone waiting for him at home.” His dashing smile doesn’t falter when he goes on. “A crush then. Unreturned love…” He leans closer to my ear, his hot breath ghosting over my ear, his hands falling onto my shoulders as he slips onto my lap, seemingly without any effort. The move is practiced, he has done this a hundred times. “You could pretend I’m him. I’ll even make you forget about him.”

 

**TBC**

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wants to get closer to Cas.

My pulse races, my heart beats like a drum. I don’t know what to think of this, the man on my lap is definitely Dean, I can see a small part of the handprint I have left on his shoulder peeking out from under his short shirt sleeve, my mark. Suddenly I feel possessive, he’s mine, I’ve dragged him from hell, I’ve marked him, how dare he sleep with others, how can he sell the body I've built back together for money? He’s better than that and he has no right to do this because he belongs to _me_! But still I cannot find my voice and so I stay silent, just thinking this, not daring to say it loud because I’m not sure what happened to my hunter. A groan comes from deep within his chest and I’m not sure if he’s still playing his role or really interested in me, now. Maybe the latter judging by the way his forest green eyes darken as he stares into mine.

 

“Come on, honey.”, his voice drawls, deeper than before. God, he's nearly irresistible. He lightly rocks his hips against mine, his member brushing against mine and I'm barely able to suppress the moan that rises in my throat. Now he knows how much I react to him but I'm mildly surprised that he's hard just like I am. “There aren’t such beautiful customers here often.”

 

“Dean?!” I hear Sam’s voice behind me and the man on my lap looks up unwillingly.

 

“Does everyone have a crush on this Dean guy or is it just you two?” He asks mockingly, his eyes darting towards Sam, then back to me. “He can watch us if he wants to but not more!” Dean says. I want you for myself!”

 

“Cas, is this my brother?” Sam asks me, ignoring the fact that my lap is full of the older Winchester brother who doesn’t even bother to get up.

 

“Yes. Look!” I say and peel his sleeve away from my handprint, so that Sam can see it, too. “But I think he doesn’t remember us…”

 

“Oh… I thought remembering was the reason he’s all over you.” Sam says dryly and with a witty grin and I freeze. Was it that obvious to Sam when I realized it just today that I have feelings for his brother that go beyond friendship? I blush violently, deep crimson rushing into my cheeks. Of course this catches Dean’s attention and he grabs my face in his warm hands.

 

“Shit, you’re the first customer I really want to drag into my private room…” He utters, his fingers brushing over the heat on my cheeks.

 

“Yes, that’s my brother…” Sam says, rolling his eyes while Dean shoots him an angry look and gets up from my legs, grabbing my hands to haul me onto my feet.

 

“You’ll like it, honey.” The man says, dragging me towards a back door with his arm around my waist, gesturing for Sam to follow. “You can watch. But unlike him, you’ll have to pay, got it?” Sam just nods, following Dean and I don’t argue either because it will be easier to talk to him and get him out of here when we are not surrounded by witnesses. Dean leads us towards the back door and through a narrow corridor that is even darker than the lounge we just came from. It is lined with thick curtains and doors, each labeled with a number. We stop in front of the door with number 7 and Dean uses a key to open it quickly, letting Sam and me enter before him, switching on the light as he follows. Everything is red in here: the carpet, the walls, the few furniture and of course the bed with it’s unbelievably many cushions on it. It would be cozy if it wasn’t for the scent of many other people – customers – lingering in the air around us. At the far side of the room is a window, leading outside onto a fire escape and the curtains are red. Of course!

 

I stop and stare at the bed, unable to walk another step towards it or even away from it. All I can think about is what Dean has done in here with other men and women and it is more than I can handle at the moment. Suddenly I feel vulnerable and small, I want to get away from here, back to the bunker with the brothers who are standing next to me.

 

“Do you really not remember who we are?” Sam asks with narrowed eyes and again Dean’s green ones fall onto mine and it feels as if he drowns in me.

 

“I’ve seen him before.” His voice sounds far away and for a moment he seems lost but he regains his composure within seconds. With two steps he’s in front of me and – ironically – invading my private space again, his hand brushing over my cheek ever so slightly. “I dreamed of your blue eyes and dark hair. I was laying in your arms, saying that I would miss them. I called you sweetheart.” He whispers so low that I barely hear his voice. Again my pulse picks up speed because he described the moment he died in my arms so long ago… How can he know if he doesn’t remember anything. “In my dream I wanted to sit up and… and kiss those lips but I wasn’t able to move and the dream always ends there.” His breath caresses my lips as he says this. Doesn’t he see that he makes me nervous? I try to walk a step away from him but the hand on my face holds me firmly in place. “It’s no coincidence that you’re here, right?”  His piercing green eyes bore into mine, searching for an answer but before I can find my voice, Dean brushes his lips over mine so gently, so sweetly, barely touching but instantly I’m shaking all over.

 

“We’re here to take you home.” I answer after swallowing down the lump in my throat, blinking when Dean takes a few steps back from me and I immediately miss his warmth.

 

“I don’t have a home. At least not that I can remember.” He walks over to a shelf and grabs a card that lies on the highest board. “I just had this when I woke up a few months ago.” It’s an ID card and he hands it to Sam who looks at it closely, then shows it to me with a sideways looks and raised eyebrows. The name on the ID reads Angus Young and I have to suppress a laugh. This is Dean’s favorite fake ID and I guess he had it with him the day he died… “As you see, my name’s not Dean but Angus.” Now Dean frowns at the ID card when I hand it back to him. “But I went to the address given here… there’s nothing but a left warehouse… That’s barely a home.”

 

“It's a fake ID... I'm your brother and Cas is your best friend. We thought we have lost you but obviously we were wrong about it.” Dean really seems interested in Sam's words. “Will you come with us?” Sam wants to know. A grin breaks out on Dean’s face. He’s even more beautiful when he smiles like that.

 

“I’ve nothing here to stay for. And if I can be with him, it's just fine with me.” He says and grabs a leather jacket from a chair that very much resembles the one he wore before he died. “But we should take the backdoor. They don’t like us sneaking out of here…” It sounds as if he tried before... I really need to talk to him. I want to know what happened to him. I want to hold him and soothe him and tell him that he's safe but I won't do it as long as he doesn't remember. It would just be wrong. Betrayal even.

 

“You really want to get out of here, hu?” Sam says but doesn't wait for an answer. The tall man walks over to the window, opens it and looks outside. “That's the backside of the building. Is it safe down there?” He asks and turns back to Dean – who's standing damn close to me – and me, facing us with a worried expression. Then he shrugs. “Let's go. We've faced far worse things than an angry boss.” From the way he pats his sides I know he's checking for his guns and his knife. I do the same before I look at Dean's forest green eyes and  with a gentle smile he follows me towards the window.

 

We carefully climb down the fire escape hoping to avoid too much noise and we come down to the parking lot without any incidents. Only when we walk over to our car I hear a grumpy voice behind us.

  
“Hey, Young! Get your ass back in here! No private fucking!” God, that sounds rude and the voice sounds really angry at the end of his sentence. “Fuck, Young!” Dean looks back with so much panic in his eyes that I cannot believe that he was working at the night club voluntarily. I hate to see him like this, it hurts me more than I would have guessed but at the moment there are more urgent things to think about, I hear quick steps behind us, someone runs after us and we fall into a jog until we reach the Impala, Sam hopping in behind the wheel and Dean and me onto the backseat, closing the door while Sam already drives us towards the exit of the parking lot.

 

I thought everything was fine now that we're driving away but then I hear the shot and just a split second later the rear window breaks into a thousand pieces. I grab Dean, pressing him down onto the seat, covering him with my body as Sam hits the gas harder. The engine roars and we race around a corner so fast that he nearly loses control over the vintage car but we make it. He makes a few fast turns before he speeds up even more, driving like the devil himself.

 

“It seems safe, now.” Sam says and I look down at Dean whose eyes are wide with shock.

 

“I didn't know that they would  try to kill us...” He said, his breaths coming in short gasps. Obviously he really has no clue of his past life, the old Dean would call this a relaxing day..

 

“It's okay. They won't find us once we're home.” I promise with a – what I hope – encouraging smile. For a few seconds Dean stares at me, his forehead wrinkling as if trying to remember something, but then he just breaks into a grin.

 

“Where do you live? The bat cave?”

 

**+XxX+**

 

When we arrive at the bunker, Dean is sleeping with his head on my shoulder and from time to time I can see Sam’s eyes turn towards me in the rearview mirror. The silence is comfortable and finally I feel whole again. Now we have to get Dean’s memory back. It will be hard but worth it. If we really succeed, everything will be back to normal and I hope that this will be the case sooner rather than later.

 

Sam puts the car into its parking position and kills the engine but he doesn’t make a move to get out of the Impala instead he turns in his seat and looks at his brother who is gently snoring away on my shoulder, one of my arms thrown around his back to keep him from falling. “He remembers you, Cas. He wouldn't have come with us so willingly if not...” He says. “I think this is something we can work with.”

 

“Dean remembers the day he died. He remembers his own last words that he said to me…” I cannot stop my free hand from gently gliding through Dean’s dirty blonde hair, Sam following the movement with his eyes.

 

“We have to find out what happened after he died.” Sam suggests. I nod. „But it will have to wait until tomorrow. Wake him up to get him settled in his room. He can sleep now, but we will have to talk to him tomorrow.” With this, Sam leaves the car and already heads into the bunker, taking his bag and mine with him and I turn towards the man next to me to wake him up.

 

“Dean. We are home, wake up.” I whisper and he stirs, his eyes fluttering open and once he sees me, he breaks into one of those stunning smiles that always make my knees shaky.

 

“Hey sweetheart.” He greets me. “I dreamed of you, again.” With these words he leans in and kisses me again, this time a little bit more daring, his sweet, warm tongue darting out to taste my lips, making me whimper but he pulls back before I can react because I’m too stunned. This isn’t Dean. Not really. This man only remembers me from a dream, not from his past life. We have lived through so much together, we have both done bad things and hurt the other and I don’t know what he will think of all this, once he regains his memory. God, I don’t even know what he will think of all the things he said to me today. And did. I loved it, but Dean – MY Dean – would never have been so daring, so openly confessing that he wants me… He confuses me so much.

 

“We should go inside.” I say, his smile never faltering.

 

“Or we can stay in this lovely car and I’ll show you what you have missed earlier.” He suggests with a wink and I have to swallow hard.

 

“You don’t remember me, Dean. You don’t even know who YOU are… You wouldn’t want this if you knew everything about us.” Is my answer to him and he looks puzzled.

 

“But I want it. And I think you want it, too. You would shove me away if this wasn’t okay with you. There was something between you and Dean, right? Or didn’t he realize that he wants you?” I really don’t know. I guess Dean realized it when it was already too late and I don’t see any reason to hold that information back from the man in front of me.

 

“You said you dreamed of me… It was his – your last words that you said to me.” I explain and his eyes grow larger.

 

“I died?” He croaked, then broke out into a fit of laughter. “So you’re really mistaking me for that Dean, right? I’m just a homeless whore and you have the wrong guy.”

 

“No, I’m sure that you are him.” I say and place my hand above the place where I know that the handprint is on his arm. His eyes widen and he gasps at my touch. “This handprint is mine. It happened when I…helped you once.” I shouldn’t tell him that he had been in hell, he wouldn’t believe it anyway. “And you look like him. I know you inside out, I know you longer than you might think and you are Dean Winchester. But you forgot.”

 

“No, I didn’t just forget. You told me I fuckin’ _died_.”

 

“You will understand. For now you just have to believe me. You died in my arms, I saw the life fade from your eyes but you’re here again. It’s not the first time I see something like this and Sam has seen it, too. We will explain tomorrow. Now you just need some rest, Dean. Come.” I say and open the door of the car before he can say another word. I’m not sure why I try to escape this conversation so hastily but I don’t stand to sit in the backseat with him any longer. It is too hot in there and he is too close…

 

He doesn’t argue and follows me to the entrance of the bunker, looking at the thick steel door and the stairs that lead down into our home.

 

“This really IS a bat cave!” He says and whistles lowly as he follows me down and through the corridors towards his room.

 

“Actually you called it bat cave…” I say and cannot help but laugh at that. Maybe this is the reason why he looks at me like this, maybe a subconscious part of him remembers that I rarely smiled. Or maybe it is just my imagination… We walk the rest of the way to his room in silence and when I open the door he steps inside curiously. Neither Sam nor me have had the guts to change anything in here, everything remained the same as on the day Dean got up in here for the last time and left the room. Sometimes I just came here to stand in the middle of the room to just breathe in his scent but it tortured me so much that I stopped someday. I look over at Dean. He walks around and looks closer at some things, probably noticing the thin layer of dust on the furniture but he doesn’t mention it.

 

“How long was I… dead?” He asks and grabs the journal from his desk. It was always lying there and sometimes I was tempted to take it and have a look at Dean’s neat handwriting but then it always seemed too private and I didn’t dare. He opens it and reads a few lines, his brow furrowing slightly.

 

“More than a year.” I answer but Dean is distracted by something he reads.

 

“’We were on a hunt in Oregon.’” He reads out loud and for a few seconds his eyes look at mine, before he goes back to reading. “’It was just a small vampire coven, easy targets. I noticed that Cas already established an efficient routine. He will be a great support for Sam and me.’” He stops and puts the journal back onto the desk, looking at it as if it has jut burned his fingers. “Hunt? Vampires? I was suffering from a mental disorder?” His voice shakes as he says this, he seems to be considering if coming here was the right decision.

 

“No.” I answer honestly and he takes a step back from me towards the bed. “I told you that Sam and me have seen a lot of strange things. You, too. The supernatural doesn’t just exist in our imagination. It’s real and there are some very bad things walking this earth. You and your brother are hunters, killing the evil things to protect people.”

 

“You mean vampires are real?”

 

“Not only vampires. Werewolves, ghosts, demons. Angels even.” I sigh and look into his eyes, trying to get his reaction when I go on: “I’ve been an angel when we met. But I fell… We’ve been through so much together, Dean, we’ve hunted together, killed together… we nearly killed each others once but we made it through and in the end, when I became human, you took me in as if I was your brother.”

 

“You’re a nut case, too?” He’s joking but I can see that he tends to believe what I tell him. “Is it true?” I nod and he sits down on the edge of his bed, looking at the things scattered around the room: the knives on the sideboard, the books about occultism next to them, a bag of salt on his bedside table… “Fuck, I don’t even know who I am and you tell me about monsters. And angels. Does it mean there’s a God above?” Not my favorite question. I sit down next to him, resting my hands on my knees.

 

“I haven’t met him.” I say vaguely and for now it seems to be enough. Dean nods and falls back onto the back, one arm draped over his eyes while he yawns widely.

 

“I think I’ll have to get some more sleep. Right now it all seems a bit strange.” He says and I nod, getting up, understanding that he needs some time alone.

 

“My room is opposite from yours. If you have trouble sleeping or if you need anything, you can always come over, right?” A genuine smile from him follows my words and I tell him good night and leave. It will be hard to get his memory back and for now, I don’t really know where to start.

 

**+XxX+**

 

Sleep won’t come tonight because my head is full of thoughts, all of them revolving around Dean. It seems as if he believed me for now but most of the time I strain to hear if there’s a noise outside because I fear that he wants to leave tonight. If we lose him again it will be harder to find him, he will make sure that we won’t find him, because he still is Dean. Whenever I’m close to falling asleep I think I hear something but then it’s silent again. So this is mostly overreacting and when I finally fall asleep I hear another noise and I hold my breath to see if it is Dean, trying to run from us. It is silent footsteps, but it sounds like naked feet on the floor and only seconds later my door opens and some light from the corridor falls onto the wall next to my bed. I don’t dare to say anything, I just wait with my hand under my pillow, my fingers closed around the angel blade that I still have here with me, ready to strike if this is some intruder. In the dim light in my room I can see Dean standing in front of my bed, staring at my motionless form. He must think that I’m still asleep because he doesn’t say a word. But I can hear his ragged breathing, he seems distressed, unsure of what to do next.

 

After a minute of staring at me, he kneels on my mattress by my feet and carefully crawls closer to me, higher still until he can sit on my hips, cradling me with his weight while he gently peels away my blanket, so slow that I barely notice any movement at all. I still pretend to be asleep and once the blanket slips from my neck, I close my eyes, waiting and maybe just a little bit too curious what he’s about to do next. He must hear my thundering heart, it beats so loud that the blood pounds in my ears. This is new to me, We've never been so damn intimate but I like it and I hate that it isn't my Dean.

 

Once the blanket is off my body and my chest and part of my stomach are revealed, Dean stops and I feel him shift above me, hear the soft rustling of some other cloth. I notice that it was his shirt he just shed when he shifts again and lies down on top of me, pressing his naked chest against mine and I cannot help it, I open my legs slightly, so that he can rest between them more comfortably. I open my eyes, staring into his hungry green ones.

 

“Please don't run from me, sweetheart.” He whispers. His voice is desperate, forlorn. This is so wrong! I guess Dean can see that I'm about to argue and before I can say a word, he seals my lips with his, sensually moving against mine, making me gasp. He uses the opportunity to slip his tongue between my lips, licking his way into my mouth, deepening the kiss and making me mad at the same time. My arms come up but I hesitate to put them around his shoulders, they just hang in the air while Dean tries to suck my soul out through my mouth.

 

In the end I decide to place my hands on my shoulders to push him away, regretting the action even while doing it. “I can't, Dean.” I whisper, barely able to speak.

 

“But you want.” He states the obvious and lets his hips roll against mine deliciously slow. Yes, I want him but I cannot do this to Dean, _my_ Dean. I stare at him while he waits for my answer, not forcing me to make the last step, just waiting. I can see the hope in his eyes, his longing and it is close to killing me.

 

“Dean... your real self wouldn't want this.” I'm a little bit proud that I'm able to form a coherent sentence in such a situation. My hand wanders from his shoulder to his cheek, I look up into his eyes, silently pleading for him to let me go, to stop this before it is too late. I guess he can see how close I am to breaking, how close we are to sleep together but he sits up and lets his hands glide down over my chest to my stomach in the process.

 

“Okay. But can I stay here? Please?” I nod, unable to deny him his wish and without further arguing he lies down next to me, carefully reaching out a hand to brush some strands from my forehead. “When I sleep, all I see is your face and it drives me mad. It seems like a wonder to me that you found me in that club. My whole body was at full attention when I saw you, I was so close to just drag you into a private corner to screw your brains out but something held me back.” His thumb still caresses my cheek and I lean into his touch. “This dream is like the moment shortly before you remember something of great importance. It feels as if I will remember within a second but then I always wake up and all I can think of is you. It was important to leave this place with you.”

 

This confession makes me feel fuzzy inside and I wonder if it means something that Dean remembers me of all the people he met in his life. Me rather than his brother, his own flesh and blood... It seems a bit unfair but Sam doesn't mind it, I guess, he's just glad that Dean is back.

 

“Whoever I was before I died and forgot everything, I think you were the most precious thing in my life. And the way you care and let me come close to you... Were we more than just friends?” The question doesn't catch me off guard, however I give it some thought.

 

“I really don't know.” I answer, letting my hand rest on his one that gently lingers on my face. I like him touching me. “I met you when I was an angel. And I did some seriously bad things. But Dean – you – always forgave me. When I fell you were the one who cared for me and the wounds on my back where my wings used to be.” Dean looks at me with awe on his handsome features. “You placed a kiss onto the back of my neck once. It was the night I lost my wings and this small gesture made me live through it all. I'm not even sure if you were aware what you were doing.”

 

“Oh, I think I was... The old Dean was just a little bit shy, right?” This makes me laugh and Dean uses the opportunity to edge closer to me.

 

“You were famous with the ladies.” I say. “But you stopped visiting bars and bringing girls home after I fell and stayed. Maybe because of me, I can't say.”

 

“You deserve someone who cares only for you.” A chaste kiss to my lips before he closes his eyes. We lie in silence for a while and I think Dean has already fallen asleep but then he speaks again: “I wish I could see them.”

 

“What?”

 

“Your wings. They must have been beautiful.”

 

**+XxX+**

 

When I wake up in the morning, Dean’s warm body is still lying next to me, so close that I can feel the breath on my face. For a while I just stare at him, contemplating what this all means but I don’t find an answer. Maybe this version of Dean is just acting more openly towards me. What if Dean wanted me the whole time. I mean, he kissed me once, a slight touch of his lips to my neck and his last words were oh so sweet but I’m not sure… was he really seeing me as more than a friend? And why is the man laying next to me so eager to sleep with me? This is getting really confusing, if he goes on like this I will give in, I’m not strong enough to resist him any longer, I’m just a man and damn, Dean is tempting. And then what? When he gets his memory back and hates what we were doing? My head begins to hurt at this and I get up before I can think into this any further, I need a coffee and distraction. Hopefully Sam is already awake so that we can do some research.

 

There’s already some freshly brewed coffee in the kitchen, that means that Sam is already up. So I grab my own cup and walk towards the library, knowing that I will find him there and I’m not mistaken: he sits in front of his laptop as expected, some books surrounding the keyboard and a steaming cup of coffee sitting in this mess.

 

“Good morning.” I greet him and shuffle over to sit down opposite him, grabbing the book closest to me to see what he is looking into. Some lore about vampires.

 

“Mornin’, Cas.” He says and looks from the book on his lap to the laptop, then back down again.

 

“I thought you would do some research on that night club, not vampires?” I ask, a little bit puzzled. „Are you looking for a new case?“

 

“No. This actually is research on this damn night club.” Sam says through gritted teeth. “I think they’re vampires, recruiting clueless men and women to work with them and after some time – when they’re sure that they’re loyal – they turn them into vampires as well. Their coven grows fast. And I think they do this to customers who visit frequently, too…” He looks into the book on his lap again, frowning. “I found that this wasn’t unusual back in the old days. But I have never heard of modern vampires using this technique.” My heart stops in my chest and I try to remember Dean’s neck. I haven’t seen any bite marks. And I was really close to his neck in the club and last night.

 

“They haven’t bitten Dean yet, right?” I ask, my voice giving away my feeling of alarm.

 

“I don’t think so. Maybe he hasn’t proven as loyal yet?” I couldn’t think of a person more loyal than Dean but then again he’s not the same as before. And even if he was, it takes a lot of time to gain his friendship and loyalty. I nod, but I’m not convinced. I will have to check his neck later. “But nothing I found on the internet or in the books explains why Dean is back alive… Vampires can’t do this, if someone is dead, they can’t resurrect him. Biting a corpse kills a vampire within seconds.” Sam shakes his head, making his long hair sway with the motion. “It must have been some other creature or phenomenon that brought him back. We will have to look into this vampire case at first, maybe we can find some information at the club or from one of their coven… I don’t know where else to start.” With a frustrated gesture he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “Where’s Dean? Maybe he can help when he tells us what happened to him…”

 

“In my room, still sleeping.” I reply without thinking about my answer and only realize what I have said when Sam looks up with his eyebrows raised higher than the Empire State Building… I gulp and try to hide behind my cup, sipping the coffee but I can _feel_ him nail me down with his eyes.

 

“If I remember right, Dean has his own room.” The smirk in his voice nearly kills me. “So… did you two…?”

 

“No!” I nearly yell at him, then look back into my cup of coffee. “He came over last night, he couldn’t sleep and so I told him to stay and he did. Obviously it helped him.” It is not really a lie, but it isn’t the whole truth either.

 

“Everybody with eyes in their head could see that Dean has always been madly in love with you.” My heart skips a beat at Sam’s words. I know but I never dared to confess the truth to myself. “And damn if you didn’t eye-fuck him as well. Even Bobby noticed and Ellen and Jo… We all saw it but you two were so damn blind or dumb, I don’t know and then he died. The way you grieved said it all. When Dean once thought you were dead he was the same, keeping your trench coat, sleeping with it as a pillow, only able to close his eyes when your scent soothed him… Do you think I never noticed? It was almost sickening to see you two together and yet not.” He throws his hands up exasperatedly. “And now that he’s actually chasing you I thought you finally gave in, okay? It would make sense.” My cheeks must be as red as a tomato by now and I don’t really dare to look up into Sam’s eyes.

 

“It wouldn’t make sense because he doesn’t remember anything. Dean doesn’t know who he is or who I am. Yesterday he read about the supernatural in his own journal and I thought he would leave because this sounds so strange… He isn’t himself and I… it just wouldn’t feel right.” I don’t deny that I reciprocate the feelings Sam just described to have found in his brother before.

 

“We will get him back, Cas, okay?” Sam says with so much compassion in his voice that I finally look up to meet his eyes. “Everything will be fine. Finally.” We both don’t say anything else and eventually Sam goes back to his research and I pretend to read through the book I grabbed earlier while my thoughts wander off once again.

 

“Good morning.” Dean’s voice says behind us and Sam and I both turn around to greet him. Without hesitation the older brother comes over to me and pulls the chair next to me even closer to sit down with our legs touching under the table. Sam notices, but doesn’t say a word, he just looks at me with this damn I-have-told-you-so-bitchface that really pisses me off sometimes but I have no time to be angry because Dean kind of snuggles into my side while looking at Sam completely innocent and looks at me from under his long lashes with a slight smile.

 

“Do you mind telling us how you happened to work in that night club?” Sam asks his brother and Dean straightens a bit but doesn’t lose contact to me, making sure we’re connected in some way. I don’t mind it, really. I just hope I don’t get used to him treating me like this because it would hurt if he stopped someday when he regains his memory.

 

“I don’t remember much of my life. You call me Dean, so that part is missing…” He says with a crooked grin. Sam nods, urging him to go on. “The first thing I remember is that I woke up in a small alley in Perkins. I don’t even know how I got there or why I was there and when I got up it felt as if my whole body was made from jelly, like I was just born and had never used my legs before. I know it sounds strange but that’s how it is.” He stops for a few seconds, kind of hesitating before he goes on. “I had no money and I stole some things from the shop of a gas station to have at least something to eat. And one night when I was roaming the streets a man offered me money if I…” He looks at me with remorseful eyes. “You get it.”

 

I’m not even aware that my hands slides over to his back, soothingly resting between his shoulder blades to give him the strength to go on. “It worked well that way. So I tried to sold myself on the streets to have some money whenever I was close to running out of food and it helped me for a while. Until Marius found me one night, telling me that it would be safer in a night club, he offered to show me around and I was convinced. Everything was better than sleeping on the streets, waiting for someone to kill me… I – I never felt good through all of this, but I was left no choice. Marius offered me to sleep in the room I worked in at nights and I got some fix money. He said someday he would let me join his family. I never knew what it really meant, I was just glad for the warmth of the covers and the food I got.” His voice gets smaller with every word he says. “And then I saw the man I dreamed of and something within me screamed and made me go over. I knew you were important and you are. You took me away from that place.” I remember what he told me last night. He doesn’t repeat it in front of Sam and I guess it isn’t important but it still warms my insides.

 

“Who’s Marius?” Sam wants to know though I think he can very well guess.

 

“He owns the club and organizes everything. He chooses the waiters and… people like me.” This is the moment I remember what Sam told me about the night club and I try to get a good look at Dean’s neck, trying to find bite marks or something like this but from my position I can only see one side of him and don’t find anything there. Always the perceptive man he is, Dean notices my stares and turns his head to watch me, his face so close now, that I can feel his breath on my lips – again!

 

“You like what you see?” He asks with this teasing undertone in his voice and damn him for doing this so shamelessly in front of his brother – who already noticed even before I did.

 

“We think that the night club is run by a coven of vampires. Cas told me that you already know that the supernatural is real?” Sam says but Dean’s eyes never leave mine, silently challenging me.

 

“Yes, I found Dean’s – my journal and read about vampires. So you believe it, too?” Dean asks and finally turns away from me to look at his brother who nods.

 

“We’re hunters, we kill creatures like vampires. We’ve seen a lot of shit in our lives but what happened to you is by far one of the strangest thing I ever saw.” I can only agree. Dean’s eyes turn back to me.

 

“And you think… that a vampire bit me?” Shock is written all over his beautiful features and I have to hold myself back from not grabbing him and comfort him in my arms.

 

“We just want to be sure.” Sam reassures him while I stand up and walk around Dean to have a closer look at his perfect, bronze skin. I cannot find any wounds on his neck or wrists, which is a good sign, because the first bite is usually placed on the pulse point of a person’s neck and doesn’t vanish in a very long time. When I place my hand on his shoulder, Dean looks up into my eyes, his voice trembling when he speaks.

 

“So?” He asks me.

 

“Nothing.” I say and look over at the younger Winchester brother.

 

“Great! At least some good news.” He says and straightens on his chair. “But we still need to find out who brought you back from the dead, maybe it will help us to bring back your memory.”

 

“What if I won’t remember?” He wants to know and I guess this questions is addressed to me.

 

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine in the end.” Sam says and the way he sounds so sure I want to believe him. Dean’ eyes come back to mine but I don’t find the same confidence in there. Just the slight fear that I will never give in to his advances and it surprises me to no end that this is his only worry about his situation. Dear God, please help me to resist him.

 

**+XxX+**

 

Sam has found out that Marius’ coven resides in Perkins but not near the night club but at the other end of the town. So after another night with Dean sleeping next to me, we make our way back to the place we found the older Winchester brother and just like Dean I don’t like the idea of being too close to the vampires again. But we have no choices left, Dean still doesn’t remember anything but my face from his dream and the closer he comes to me, the more I want my old hunter back, just to make sure that I don’t do anything against his wishes. The current Dean obviously knows what he wants but I’m not sure if my old friend would like it. It just wouldn’t feel right.

 

So we investigate together, finding us a nice motel room as base for our operations. “Won’t the vampires find us here? Maybe they can track me down like, I don’t know, hounds? Can they smell me or something?” Dean asks when he lets his bag fall onto the bed next to mine. Of course he will sleep in my bed, no matter how hard I try to keep him off of me, he still comes closer and I know that someday my control will shatter. At least this will not be the case when Sam is sleeping in the bed next to us!

 

“They are vampires, Dean, not werewolves.” I say, making Dean tilt his head a little while he processes what I just told him.

 

“I should have brought my journal.” He mutters and walks over to the small fridge to grab a beer. “Then I wouldn’t ask such stupid questions.” He sounds frustrated and Sam and I share a glance when he empties half of the bottle.

 

“It’s okay, Dean. They’re not stupid questions if you don’t know anything about these creatures.” Sam said.

 

“S’ not only that.” Dean spat and again his eyes drifted towards me but he lowers them before I’m able to catch his gaze. “I feel like there’s something to remember, every now and then it feels as if I’m close to breaking through that barrier but it doesn’t work. I don’t know how I can change this and as long as I’m like this I’m useless to you, because these creatures are dangerous and might kill me if I don’t know enough about them. And I can’t lean all this shit within one night!” He tries to stare Sam down but then he turns away to drink from his beer again, walking around our room like a lion in a cage.

 

“We will solve this and help you, Dean.” I say and he turns on his heels to pin me to the wall with his eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, closes it again and repeats this a few times.

 

“What have I gotten myself into…?” He asks, grabs another bottle of beer from the fridge and heads for the door, leaving Sam and me standing here to stare after him. When I make a move towards the door, Sam lets a hand fall onto my shoulder.

 

“He needs some time for himself.” Sam says and makes his way over to grab a beer as well. “Being close to you makes him edgy. More than before, I mean…” he adds with a smirk and I just nod and sink onto my bed, feeling restless, empty and helpless… There’s nothing I can do to help Dean at the moment and we have to wait until we found out something about the vampires but it kind of tortures me to know that Dean doesn’t feel good with this whole situation. I have triggered something in him, he’s about to remember but something holds him back. Slowly I realize that I want him to remember badly as well because then I will know what he feels for me and it won’t feel strange any longer when he kisses me. All these emotions kill me, I have to let go sometime soon. It’s moments like these when I feel that being human isn’t just a walk in the park, everything was easier when I was an angel.

 

When it gets dark, Sam and I are ready to depart, to search for the vampires but Dean is still somewhere outside, doing God knows what. His younger brother sends me out to get him, most likely because I’m the only person Dean trusts right now. So I head out of our room and down the stairs, hoping that Dean isn’t too far away but I find him on a bench at the far end of the parking lot, two empty bottles of beer next to him, his hands folded in his lap while he looks at the cars that pass by on the streets. I take a moment to look at him, taking in his beautiful profile. After a few minutes he catches me staring and I walk over to sit down next to him when he makes room for me.

 

“It’s so strange, sweetheart.” He says and I shiver slightly as he uses the nickname so naturally. His eyes still follow the cars that pass us by as if he is still far away. “I know you from somewhere. You’re the first person in this world I recognize, but still my memories don’t come back. I want to know who I am.”

 

“Why do you want to know?” I ask, not really knowing where this questions comes from but at least it makes Dean look my way, searching my eyes for an answer.

 

“Because you want it…”

 

“Don’t you want it, too?”

 

“I’m not sure… You don’t think that I would still want you when I get my memories back and I don’t think that this longing for you will ever fade.” His green eyes are honest. Maybe this Dean has given up denying what the other always did and part of me likes him this way. “What if I’m too proud, or stubborn? Am I homophobic?” I have to grin at his comment.

 

“I don’t think so. But… you had to pretend that you are strong since you were a child. You cared for Sammy from the day your mother died and you never had someone to lay your sorrows on. You never dared to admit that you were lost or that you needed help or just someone to talk to because no one was supposed to know that Dean Winchester could falter from time to time.” His breath hitches in his throat. “And I think that admitting that you have a thing for a male angel was way out of your comfort zone, though you always took what I had to give more than eagerly and I know that our friendship was precious to you. Maybe you were afraid that I could die like so many other friends in your life. Or you thought that you would scare me away. Seriously, Dean, I don’t know your reasons but I know that you always just wanted the best for everyone and that most of the time you forgot that you sometimes should be a little bit selfish, too.”

 

“So I was too good for this world?” Dean gives a dry laugh that I'm not able to share.

 

“You hid it well but Sam and I were always able to see right through you. You are not perfect but you tried. And your soul...” I stop myself from saying too much, I'm not sure if he wants to hear about it.

 

“What about it?”

 

“I already told you that I was an angel when I first met you and as an angel I was able to see the soul of men. Yours glowed like a beacon, even in the place where I found you...” Awe is written all over my hunter's wonderful face.

 

“You said you rescued me, when we first met. From what?” He sees my hesitation and leans a bit closer to me. “Come on, sweetheart. I wanna know about the first time we met.” With a sigh I nod, deciding that honesty is the best way to approach him.

 

“You already learned that the supernatural exists. I was an angel, I have seen Heaven. But the other side is real as well. Demons. Hell.” A gasp escapes him when he realizes what I'm about to say. “You once went to hell to save your brother from dying. But the archangels had different plans for you, they needed you and looked for someone who was brave enough to risk his life to save the Righteous Man from perdition. I volunteered. Not because I was brave but I have seen your soul before and I wanted to be the one to build you back together. I guess that was the beginning of my falling: pride.” His green eyes search mine, he tries to see if I tell the truth or not but I guess he would stop me if he thought this was a strange lie.

 

“So I went to hell and gathered you soul in my arms to bring it out of the pit and back to earth. I re-built your body, I put your soul back together and breathed life back into you. You forgot about all that and the first thing you can remember is stabbing me in the barn behind your uncle Bobby's house...” I place my hand where I know my handprint is burned into his skin. “The hand on your shoulder is mine. My true form burnt your skin but you never wanted me to heal that scar, though I could have done it within the blink of an eye.” Dean brings his hand up to rest over mine.

 

“I thought it was some strange tattoo.” His voice is distant, he is thinking this all over, I can read his face like an open book. “You branded me?” Is his next question and he grins cheekily. I love that smile, it makes him so young and innocent. “And I chose to leave it that way?” I nod at his words.

 

“And you said the old Dean wasn't in love with you...” Why keeps everyone saying that? We were never more than friends, good friends, close even but never more. I'm so damn confused since we found him, his honest and open words make my head spin, he is so different but still the same. I stand up from the bench, abruptly stopping our conversation.

 

“Sam and I are ready to search for the vampires. Do you want to come with us?”

 

“I don't even know how to defend myself.” Dean mumbles and gets up as well, following me to our motel room.

 

“Stake right through the heart?” He adds with a wink to which I shook my head.

 

“Chopping off their head is easier and more effective.” I watch his face screw up in disgust, noticing that he looks cute this way. Oh no. Inwardly I groan at my own thoughts. I know that I won’t stand this situation much longer. I’ve held myself back for such a long time, I’ve lived through the time after Dean’s death, missing him so much that words cannot describe the feeling and now he’s back, he wants me but he doesn’t really know who I am. It’s all so wrong and unfair. The only way to stop him from chasing me is walking away from him and I won’t let him out of my sight again, never! If something happens to him, it would definitely kill me this time.

 

**TBC**

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming closer...

When we stand in front of our motel room door, Dean steps in closer to me.

 

“I will come with you and Sam.” He says. “I can’t stand the thought of being here on my own, wondering if you get killed while I just sit on the bed, waiting for you to return…” His confession seems to make him a bit uncomfortable, a slight blush creeping into his cheeks that is just adorable. The way he said it and the way he reasoned is so purely Dean that I break into a smile, making him blush even deeper. We stand there for another few minutes, just staring into each others eyes until the door opens and Sam finds us here.

 

“Oh please…!” He says and throws his arms up in an exasperated gesture. “Is this why I had to wait so long?” Dean and I both shake our heads no at his question.

 

“He wants to accompany us.” I says and Sam nods, returning into our room.

 

“Then he needs some weapons.” He walks over to the table where most of them lie and throws a revolver into Dean’s hands who catches it with an odd expression. “Do you know how to use it?”

 

“I think so…” Dean says, checks the weapon, unlocks it and then locks it again. Sam nods, then hands his brother a long knife.

 

“Great. And that is for vampires who come too close: bullets won’t kill them, just slow them down for a few seconds. You have to chop off their heads if you want to kill them properly.” The younger brother explains and this time Dean doesn’t pull a face. He just nods and the knife vanishes somewhere under his shirt just like the revolver. He seems fine with going on a hunt, not as inexperienced as I would have expected and it puzzles me a little. Maybe he has still the same instincts as before? It kind of makes me proud of him and I chide myself for behaving like his boyfriend already…

 

“And you will not run in fear and forget about your weapons? We can arm you to your teeth if necessary but it won’t help you when you turn your back on a vampire and try to get away. THAT will kill you.” Sam says. I can see that his hazel eyes are full of worries for his brother but Dean holds his ground and nods again. “Okay… Basically they’re all enemies. So if you are attacked, don’t hesitate. _Never_ hesitate, Dean. We need you alive.” He walks past his brother and grabs his own knife from his bedside table. “I don’t wanna lose you again.”

 

Dean looks at his brother, then back to me. I can see worries in those green depths but they don’t concern our hunt but Sam and me. Maybe he didn’t realize that we have missed him like crazy until now, or he is just afraid that he won’t make it today. But he will. Both Sam and I will have an eye on him, we both don’t want to lose him ever again, no vampire will take him from us, no matter what. They will have to kill me first to get to him and I guess Sam is just the same.

 

So this is our first hunt together and yet it all seems so normal.

 

**+XxX+**

 

The vampires are residing in a normal house in a nice neighborhood. They even have a garden, a nice white picket fence and a dog that watches over their home during the day. The sun is still up and will set in about an hour, so the only thing we currently have to take care of is the dog but no one wants to kill this wonderful German Sheppard and so we just lure him away and lock him up in some small barn a few houses over. That gives us the opportunity to sneak into the vampires’ house from the back door which isn’t hard to pick. Once we are inside we are greeted by a strange sight: This house is so normal that I think we have the wrong house or something.

 

Sam isn’t fooled by the innocent appearance of the rooms we walked through and he makes his way over to the kitchen. I know what he’s looking for, I was just about to suggest the same. Dean and I follow him silently, our weapons ready to strike, covering Sam’s back as he opens the fridge and looks inside. From the way he turns away from it I know that we are not in the wrong house: he seems disgusted and when I take a quick look myself I know why: there are bottles in this fridge, all filled with red liquid, neatly labeled with a date. Gross. But even worse is the body parts that are tucked away in transparent glasses, stacked at the back of this thing. Behind me I hear a sharp intake of breath when Dean discovers what Sam and I already knew we would find. With a gag he turns away from the fridge, staring out of the window.

 

“Fuck!” He whispers and I walk over to him, to make sure he is okay but when he looks up, he seems even more determined. “I was living so close to them.” He mutters when I stand in front of him, scanning his face but the color already returns. “They wanted to turn me into a monster as well?” I nod. “I’m glad I came with you.” That is the Dean I know: seeking justice.

 

I nod grimly and we make our way up the stairs, still following Sam. It is dark up here, they have shut out all the light and that means they most likely sleep in the upper rooms like some happy family would. It sickens me to no end when I think about the possibility that Sam and I hadn’t found Dean on time and he would have turned into one of these creatures… I look at my hunter over my shoulder, his body is tense, he’s at full alert, listening for the slightest noise. I guess habits don’t die that easily but we haven’t faced any real danger yet and I’m not sure if his attitude will live through an honest attack from the vampires.

 

Sam motions for me to open the door at the end of the corridor and I count down on my fingers before opening it, all the time feeling Dean’s eyes rest on me. Of course it is dark in this room, too, and so Sam shines inside with his flashlight and what we see is everything but normal: the floor of this room is covered in mattresses, from one wall to the other and there are so many vampires ‘sleeping’ that I fear the second the sun will set. Of course, they are dead during the day but the way they are scattered around this room is just weird. I have never seen so many of them and there are still some other doors to open. Sam turns to look at Dean and me, raising his eyebrows and I can see that he wants to get us out of here before this ‘family’ wakes up all at once. Dean seems just fine with this decision, he walks a few steps back from the door and hits the wall with his back. I walk over and grab his arm, urging him on.

 

“Everything will be fine.” I say barely above a whisper. “We’ll check the other rooms and get out of here.” He nods, still staring into the room until Sam carefully closes the door. We don’t have to be silent but maybe these creatures have other security systems that will most likely detect noises in their house.

 

We check the other rooms upstairs and most of them are like the first one: stuffed to the ceiling with sleeping vampires. On our way out, Dean comes closer to me, grabbing my arm. He’s shaking all over but in the end he really kept himself together well. Back in the car he finally dares to breathe a sigh of relief while Sam drives away from this spooky house. The sun will set in a few minutes and they shouldn’t find three hunters parking in front of it.

 

“That’s the hugest coven I’ve ever seen…” Sam says and shakes his head in disbelief. “Maybe some of them are really old, because obviously they grow on and on without being hunted… That’s highly unusual and I think we have to find their master, Marius. We have to talk to him but not with his huge coven all around. We need a private meeting, just him and us.” Dean squirms in his seat, I can hear it and turn around to look at him.

 

“Everything okay?” His forest green eyes are wide with discomfort and fear.

 

“I don’t wanna meet him.” He says. “I don’t think he would wanna see me as well…” I regard him with a silent question in my eyes, making him squirming even more but from the way it looks we don’t have no other choice. “He’s the one who took me in to work for him.” Dean shakes his head and turns his eyes towards his hand that are folded in his lap. “He – he always wants to know if his new employees are good enough and so I – I slept with him.” My heart sinks in my chest, I hate to hear it and I also hate this Marius for forcing my hunter to humiliate himself like this. Oh God, I wanna crawl into the backseat and press Dean close to me to soothe him, I hate to see him so broken. Well, I’ve seen him broken before but it was different. He never had to sell himself for money or some food, he was always a proud hunter, not a sad prostitute.

 

“Dean…” His name escapes my lips without my intention but it makes him look up at me with a haunted look in his eyes. Speaking about such things in front of me and his brother isn’t easy for him, it nearly kills him and I feel sorry for him. This new version of Dean is just like my old hunter: he tries to appear strong but in the end he isn’t. This time he feels ashamed for the things he did and the more he tells us, the more vulnerable he becomes. Facing Marius again will be like hell for him but I think Sam won’t let him get away so easily.

 

“It will be better if you come with us.” Sam says. I knew but it still hurts to see Dean flinch at his words. “He won’t do anything, Dean. You ran from him and he’s angry, but we will be by your side and nothing can happen to you.” I turn back in my seat to stare out onto the street but I caught a glimpse of Dean just nodding in silence. We will drive directly to the night club, asking for the owner but it will be dangerous because they have seen us running from that same place just a few nights ago and maybe they’re not willing to talk to us. Perhaps they will just try to shoot us again…

 

We drive in silence until we arrive the parking lot and when the car is parked we all hesitate to get out.

 

“Shall we just walk in there and ask for Marius?” I want to know and Sam shrugs.

 

“What other choice do we have left?”

 

“Me.” Comes a small voice from the backseat and we both turn around to look at Dean. “I know that some of the… employees ran from the club before. They all weren’t there because they chose to but because they had nowhere else to go. So some of them tried to get away again. And I know of one or two who came back on their own accord. Nothing happened to them, they had a talk with Marius and he accepted them back. I don’t know what he did to them, but they never tried to get away from here again.” Sam and I share a look and I shake my head, I won’t let him go in there on his own, it is too dangerous and I don’t want to take the risk that he comes out of there as a vampire…

 

“No, Dean.” I say out loud when Sam agreed. “We cannot risk to lose you again.”

 

It is still early, just like the last time we were here and there are just three or four customers scattered in the huge room. We walk up straight towards the bar and I notice that it is the same waitress that Sam had been talking to the night we found Dean but this time there’s no dashing fake smile on her face, just a deep frown and antipathy. So she remembers us…

 

“What do you want?”I have never heard such hostility in a voice…

 

“We want to speak to Marius.” Sam says, his own voice not leaving any room for discussion, but her face just turns into an ugly smile. “He’s busy.”

 

“The sun has set. He will be up by now.” Sam says and her expression falters. She didn’t see it coming that we know about the club’s little secret. “And you can tell him, that we bring Angus back to him.” Dean’s face snaps up and he looks in panic from his brother to me. Does he really think that we will hand him over??

 

“He can wait for Marius in his office.” The waitress says, her voice suddenly more friendly.

 

“No. We will talk to him together or we will leave again.” I tell her and both Sam and Dean look at me as if I’ve grown a second head. Oh, I still know how to use my threatening commanding voice and I still know that it will work in most of the cases. Just as it does now.

 

“Fine. Follow me.” She says with a deep sigh and comes out from behind the bar to lead us to a door in the back, hidden by thick black curtains. I haven’t seen this door the first time we have been here and I guess that is the intention of hiding it so artfully. The woman leads us down a narrow corridor that makes some turns left, then right and at the end of it is a single door. “Wait.” She instructs and slip into the office behind that door, most likely to announce that we are waiting to talk to Marius. My eyes wander over to Dean who stands behind Sam and me, obviously trying to melt into the ground but he has to face this man sooner or later. I can see that it disturbs him and I ask myself what this vampire might have done to him. The thought that he and Dean… For a second I see red but I regain my control as soon as I have lost it and cannot hold myself back from grabbing Dean around the waist, pulling him in close to me. He shall know that he’s not alone, I’m there for him and without a word Sam steps onto his other side, making him feel a bit more comfortable and safe between us.

 

When the door opens again after a few minutes, the waitress comes out and announces that we can enter to talk to Marius. Then she leaves without another glance towards us and we are alone to face the master of this huge vampire coven. Stepping into Marius’ office is like stepping into another time. The furniture is ancient, his desk is carved from dark wood and there are books on every shelf and in every free space. There aren’t any windows, which leaves us only the way through the club as an escape route…

 

“Angus.” He greets Dean and the hunter shrinks back into my arms, trying to hide between Sam and me but the vampire already got up from his chair and now walks over to us and stops in front of Dean, looking at him accusingly. “I don’t like it when a member of my family runs away from me. Why are you back?” He looks up and at Sam and me. “And who are those really precious men? Gifts for me and my children? Or are they interested in a career as well?” I shudder at his tone, grabbing Dean a little bit firmer.

 

“We’re hunters.” Sam introduces us without preamble and Marius takes a step back, pretending to be shocked though he isn’t.

 

“Hunters? Oh, I’m afraid now.” I already hate his arrogance. And I hate that he exists and that he has slept with Dean. I cannot say that he is ugly, on the contrary, this man is really attractive: his short brown hair, his piercing yellow eyes, his straight nose and slightly too round face…  But he is a monster and he has to pay for touching what is mine.

 

“This isn’t a game.” I say and step forward, forgetting that we are in a club that is most likely as full of vampires as the house of Marius’ coven. “We know where your children sleep and we are more than willing to kill them all during the day when there’s nothing you can do about it, so don’t mock us with your damn arrogance!”

 

“A lot of hunters know where my family sleeps, handsome.” He says and leaves me speechless for a few seconds to go on before I can recover from my shock. “I’m old. Older than you might believe. I’ve seen the empires rise and fall, I’ve seen Jesus die and I’ve seen revolutions arise. Don’t threaten me, because I have lived through all of this and I will certainly live longer than you.” I cannot help but grin at his words. He has seen the olden times, but I have been a witness to the creation of earth itself. Such a creature doesn’t impress me that much.

 

“And what does this make you? An old man, nothing more.” Sam stops me and steps between me and Marius, raising his hand to silence us both. He gives me a sideways glance, not knowing this side on me, because I show it rarely.

 

“What about the other hunters?” Sam asks, suspecting that this was the important part of our conversation with Marius. The vampire just crosses his arms over his broad chest – oh, I hate him.

 

“There is just one hunter actually living in Perkins. And some others in this county. They know me and my coven and they help to feed my children and me.” What? Did he really just say that? “They lure customers into my club. We feed on them and my coven is free to grow.”

 

“You're kidding us, right?” I say but Marius turns towards me, his eyes piercing into mine.

 

“No. I would kill the hunters' families if they don't stick to our agreement. It is just as simple.” The vampire's grin widens and again I feel the urge to let my fist connect with it but Dean's hand on my shoulder holds me back.

 

“We have something to trade as well.” My hunter says and instantly my heart jumps into my throat. I won't trade him for anything in the world. If this is his offer, I will drag him out of this office within seconds. Sam eyes him carefully as well. “These two hunters will leave you and your family alone as well. But there is something we need to know first.” I release the breath I was holding in, relieved because now I know where this is going. “Tell me why I'm alive.” Dean says but there's just a silent question on Marius' face.

 

“What kind of question is this?” The vampire inquires. “Because I chose to let you work for me. You did great, Angus, so I didn't kill you, I offered a job to you so that others would enjoy your service.” I'm about to yell obscenities into Marius' face, his words make me mad with jealousy and hate, I'm about to forget myself soon. Dean's shoulders sink but he doesn't give up.

 

“Was I alive when you found me? I mean for the first time?” He goes on but from the look on Marius' face he still has no idea what my hunter is talking about.

 

“Of course. I'm not sure what you want to hear but as I have answered all your questions will your hunters promise safety for me and my coven.” His cold eyes turn towards me, then to Sam and we both nod. “So leave, now. I don't want to see you in my club ever again. If you come back, I'll take Angus back and I will show him his place.” The creature's eyes are locked on mine, challenging me with his next word. “I will take him again and enjoy the pleasure he will bring me.”

 

That's it. Something within me snaps and I take a step towards Marius, crashing my fist into his ugly face, feeling bones crack beneath my fingers. Before he opens his eyes again, Sam has me in firm lock in his arms, preventing me from causing even more damage. How dare he speak about Dean like this? How dare he touch what is mine? This is hell. I know I'm screaming curses at the vampire but I cannot stop myself. I hate him for disgracing my precious hunter, it is unforgivable! While I still try to get my hands on Marius again, Sam drags me out of the office and Dean follows us, grinning like a maniac.

 

“Goodbye sweet Angus.” Marius drawls and waves. “If you want me again, you know where to find me!”

 

“His name is Dean!” I scream when he slams the door shut. I come down slowly while we walk out of the club and with each step my head feels a little bit colder. Dean walks next to me, his shoulder nearly touching mine, soothing me with his presence. He's mine and he will come home with me. When we reach the Impala I follow Dean onto the backseat, I want to be close to Dean, I need to know that he's alive and still with us.

 

“What the hell was that, Cas?” Sam asks me, not making a move to start the engine. I'm not sure if he's angry but I don't really care. My eyes search for Dean's and I find them smiling at me from under his long lashes. My beautiful hunter seems happy that I have lost myself so easily where he was concerned.

 

“I just lost it, Sam.” I answer, looking straight into his hard eyes. “You know perfectly well why. I couldn't stand that bastards words.”

 

“You gave him a reason to kill us. This was fuckin' dangerous, Cas!” Okay, Sam is angry. “And it brought us anywhere. We just learned that this coven is really old and even protected by hunters. He wasn't able to tell us what happened to my brother. And even if he knows something, I doubt he will ever talk to us again. The next time we enter this club, he will just shoot us.” He slams his hands on the steering wheel, then lets his fingers glide through his hair and I know he calms down slowly. “We will sleep here and drive back to the bunker tomorrow. I need some sleep and you need to calm down as well.” 

 

Dean and I don't argue, we just lean back into the seat and don't say a word, both lost in our own thoughts. Sam is right: this little mission brought us anywhere and for a few minutes I forgot why we were there: we need a clue to get Dean's memories back but we are running out of leads and I don't think that we have another point from which we can start. Again my eyes turn towards Dean, he is staring out of the window, lost in his own thoughts but when he feels my eyes at the back of his head he turns and gives me one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen on his face but he doesn't say a word and after some seconds he goes back to watching out of the window and I follow his example.

 

We stop at a diner to grab some food but we will eat in our motel room, we all long to get there as soon as possible, it has been a long day. We sit at the table, eating nearly in silence, none of us daring to speak about the fact that we have nothing. Maybe we will just have to trigger some memories in Dean, or we have to live with the 'new' Dean. I don't care, as long as he is alive but it still feels as if something is missing. For now I won't give up.

 

There's a movie on tonight and we watch it together. Sam sits on his bed and falls asleep after half an hour. Dean still sits at the table but when he finds Sam snoring he comes over to me, switching the light off, so that it is just the TV that illuminates the room. I admire Dean's movements when he sits down on my mattress, he moves gracefully, like a predator looking for his prey. Too late I realize that I am his prey. It only dawns on me when he kneels down over my outstretched legs and sneaks his arms around my neck to pull me closer to his face. My lips fall open slightly, I'm looking forward to feel his lips move against mine, I want to taste him, I want to feel his warmth to know that he is still alive and well.

 

We breathe in each others breath, he opens his lips as well, prolonging the sweet anticipation before he finally closes the distance between us to kiss me sensually, his tongue slipping into my mouth instantly, mapping every inch he can reach. Oh God this is great, the kiss takes my breath away and for a moment I forget about everything. Dean moves his hands from my shoulders down to rest between my shoulder blades and on my lower back, pressing my body against his own and I just melt into his embrace, clinging to him for dear life. He lives. I lost him, but he came back and here he is, kissing me with such desperation that I want to weep. I have never felt so great in my entire life and my hands come up as well, on sliding into my hunter’s hair, the other rests on his chest, grabbing the fabric of his plaid shirt in my fist.

 

A whine escapes me, when he bites into my lower lip, gently teasing me, coaxing me to give in to him. That is when it dawns on me that I shouldn’t do this, I shouldn’t do this to a man who might regret it later. Because I couldn’t stand the thought that this might disgust him someday… Dean feels my hesitation and I gently push him away with the hand that rests on his chest, making him look into my eyes. Oh shit. Watching his face right now does not really help me, his eyes are darkened, his lips even a deeper shade of pink than usual and so ripe and full and still slightly parted while he licks them swiftly with his tongue. I gulp and try not to wish for another kiss but it is hard to decide if I shall push him away or pull him closer.

 

“You’re still unsure.” He says with a raspy voice that sends a shiver through my whole body. My hands linger where I have placed them before and while I try to concentrate on how to speak, I caress Dean’s hair, combing it through my fingers.

 

“You’re still not the same, Dean.” I answer. “We just shouldn’t as long as you don’t know about your past…” his deep eyes are sad, dropping to my neck, he’s disappointed and it is obvious that he feels rejected. The hand on his chest wanders to his cheek and I make him look back into my eyes, so he will see that I mean well. “I don’t want you to hate me. Or yourself. What if we don’t stop now, and once you remember your past, you will be disgusted and leave me? I cannot lose you, Dean. You’re way too precious.” He gasps when he hears this, instantly diving down to kiss me again, this time harder, forlorn and I moan into his lips, close to letting go but he looks up again with a sad smile.

 

“I can’t promise to keep my hands off of you forever, sweetheart.” He says and grabs my face to place a gentle kiss on my forehead. “But this time you will get away, because I’m sure as hell your screams would wake up my brother...” A wink, then he sits up, making me miss his closeness instantly. “Can I…?” He asks and makes a gesture that underlines his question if I allow him to sleep next to me. I smile and nod, I would never miss such a chance.

 

While I’m in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, I wonder if Dean will stay this way if he gets his memories back. I hope so because I like him as close to me as possible and I would miss to sleep without his warmth once I know it… This is all so hard for me because I don’t know how long this might last and how I will react once it is over… Well, at least Dean is alive, this is all that counts and I break into a grin just because he is here with us again. I still can remember the pain when he died and how much I missed him with every breath. I hope that I feel never have to feel this again, I won’t live through all of this a second time.

 

Dean is already lying in my bed, he has discarded his shirt and jeans to the floor next to it and I pray to God that he has the decency to wear boxers. I breathe a sigh of relief when he holds the covers up for me, to crawl into his warmth, cuddling into his side as if we are a couple. This strange stage – something in between – will be the end of me… Dean doesn’t hesitate, he pulls me close to himself, his legs entangling with mine before he goes on kissing me with everything he has, his hands gliding into my hair, holding me firmly in place, manhandling me this way and that as he devours me thoroughly. And how much I enjoy this… I don’t ever want this to stop, he shall kiss me until I fall asleep but I guess the rapid beating of my heart will make it impossible to fall asleep soon. Dean tastes like honey and beer, it is strange how much I suddenly like these two things, especially combined on his tongue.

 

Dean goes on like this forever, he barely gives me the time to breathe and I don’t think it is as important as kissing him. I hear small noises of pleasure escape him, little whimpers and moans, and that is the moment I finally give in completely. I forget that this would be wrong, I forget that Sam sleeps in the bed next to us and if Dean will go further I will willingly follow him. Thank God, he doesn’t. I forgot myself again and I wouldn’t have stopped, but Dean seems okay with just kissing me senseless, his hands wandering through my hair and face and neck but never deeper and I’m thankful that he has the strength I cannot muster.

 

After what seems like an eternity Dean pulls back and smiles at me. We’re both breathing hard but I return his smile, no matter what. Without a word he turns me around so that he can grab me from behind to press my back against his chest, pulling me so damn close to him and I snuggle into his heat, feeling happy and content.

 

“Sleep well, Sweetheart.” He whispers into my ear, his hot breath tickling it.

 

“Good night, Dean.”

 

**+XxX+**

 

In the morning I still feel warm and content, Dean’s arms are wrapped around me, securing me to him, making sure that I cannot leave without him waking up. I don’t want to. Dean still sleeps and I don’t dare to move too much, so I just edge even closer to him, enjoying his content sigh. Even in his sleep his arms tighten around me, holding me firmly and I wonder if maybe in his sleep he is the old Dean… Seriously, I have no idea how to go on from here, all I know is that I won’t ever let him go. Before I can get lost in my thoughts I crack open an eye and find Sam standing next to the bed, his hands resting on his hips as he stares at Dean and me. Heat rises into my cheeks and I try to get up but Dean doesn’t let go of me and so I awkwardly look up into his younger brother’s eyes.

 

“You didn’t? Did you? With me sleeping right next to you….?” He growls in an angry whisper but I just shake my head which seems to make him feel a little bit better. “Cas… we need to talk, okay?” I wonder what he wants to talk about but I nod anyways and then I concentrate on waking up Dean so I can get up.

 

“Too early.” Dean mutters and turns around, letting me go in the process. I use the opportunity to get out of bed, pulling on my jeans, following Sam out of our room. He stops in the corridor a few steps away from the door so that Dean cannot hear us.

 

“Cas, you are aware that this isn’t really Dean, right?” He asks, not angry, but compassionate. “He looks like my brother, but he doesn’t remember and as the vampire didn’t know anything, we don’t know where to start…” I slowly nod, knowing that already but giving up isn’t possible. “Maybe he will stay this way, not knowing who he really is… Not knowing who you really are.”

 

“I’m aware that he isn’t the same.” I answer. “And I try to shove him away from me but it is hard. So what do you suggest? What do we do with him? You don’t want to send him away, do you?”

 

“Of course not.” Sam says and his huge hand grabs my shoulder. “You know that I missed him, too. Maybe we should make a hunter out of him again… He did great in Marius’ house, he didn’t freak out as much as many others would at a sight like this. He takes it well that we hunt such creatures. There’s still great potential within him, perhaps that is more instinct than knowledge and though he can’t remember, he still feels that he’s a hunter. We will drive back home today and slowly teach him all that he needs to know. If we’re lucky it will also trigger some memories, I don’t know but that is all we can do, do you agree with me?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Don’t get yourself hurt, Cas.” Sam goes on and I look up because this surprises me. “It might work out if he stays this way but if we get our old Dean back…  I know he loves you, but you also know him and how stubborn he can be.” I turn away from Sam, nodding while grabbing the door handle to go back into our room. “If there’s anything I can do, or if you need to talk to someone I will be there, okay?” I nod again, then walk back into our room, with an empty feeling in my chest. Sam is right and I know but it is so hard to resist this beautiful man when he comes so close to me, literally urging me into kissing him and all… And I don’t want to shove him away either, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I would do anything to make him stay but it is all so confusing.

 

Sam closes the door again and walks over to his bed to pack his few belongings into his bag while I make myself some coffee and sit down at the table, staring into my cup, lost deep in my thoughts. I don’t know how many time has passed, but the black liquid is already cold when I take the next sip and I pour it away. Dean stands behind me, when I turn away from the sink and makes me jump. I have heard him and Sam speak but it hasn’t really registered until now.

 

“Are you ready?” he asks and I tilt my head in a silent question. Is he invading my personal space on purpose? I really don’t know what to think anymore.

 

“Yes.” I answer absentmindedly and walk over to stuff my things into my bag and throw it over my shoulder once I’m ready. So we head back to the bat cave, hoping that everything will be fine someday…

 

**+XxX+**

 

 

**TBC**

 


	4. Chapter 4

The next weeks are torture for me. Sam and I are busy most of the time, teaching Dean everything that he has forgotten and he learns really fast. Shooting isn’t a problem for him, he aims, shoots, and nearly never misses his target. He also uses the knife like others use a fork and he is really interested in everything we show and tell him. Nothing helps him to remember his past though. He behaves more and more like Dean but still he just knows what we have shown and told him. This is getting kind of frustrating sometimes but I don't let it show, he shall not know how much this gets to me. I guess he knows anyways because sometimes he has a look in his eyes that is just desperate...

 

 

One evening Dean and I sit down to read through his journal and I try to answer any question he has and he absorbs it all very well. On some page we come across a paragraph about me and Dean reads it in silence while I just watch him, not aware what is on the page. “I wrote about you, Cas.” He says and I nearly fall from the chair I’m sitting on. “’I have to stop searching for those damn blue eyes during our hunts. I want to make sure that he’s okay again and again. If he gets killed I don’t know what to do. My feelings confuse me so fuckin' much.’” Dean stares at me while I stare at my hands in my lap, unable to meet his gaze. I have tried so hard over the last weeks, I have successfully kept him from sleeping with me though he always sleeps next to me, kissing me whenever he pleases – not that I really mind it. I buried my feelings for him deep inside my heart but they come back up every now and then and I’m not sure how long I can keep this all up. Not as long as I hoped for because something breaks in me. The words he just said were Dean’s.  _ My _ Dean’s words. He cared…  I stand up so abruptly that my chair falls back and clatters onto the ground loudly, making me wince for a second.

 

This is unbearable, I have to get out of his presence, I need some space and so I walk out of his room, over into mine and slam the door shut. Only seconds later I hear Dean's voice from the other side of it but I just throw a book against the wood and yell at him to go away. He doesn't.

 

“I'll come in Sweetheart.” He says, then opens my door, finding me standing next to my bed, my fists clenching and unclenching. I feel helpless, vulnerable, like a bare nerve and I will break soon. Dean comes over without saying a word and wraps me up in his strong arms, pressing me close to his body. It feels great, he is warm and holds me firmly, a silent promise that everything will be alright while nothing is alright at all. His hands draw soothing circles on my back, he obviously know what to do to make me feel better. A part of knows that he is here to take his chance but what do I care. I want him so. I have to stop him.

 

“Dean, don't...!” I mumble but he doesn't listen, his lips already caress the side of my face, over to that sensitive spot below my ear and I cannot help but moan loudly when he gently sucks at my skin. I'm sure he will leave a mark for the whole world to see and I'm sure that exactly is his intention. I'm already his. “Stop it!” With these words I tilt my head to the side to give him better access and he uses the opportunity to bring his hands up to my neck, slowly beginning to open the buttons on my shirt, revealing skin he already knows but hasn't touched until now.

 

“I'll stop when I'm done with you.” Dean drawls into my ear and my knees go weak. I cannot stand it any longer, I'm tired fighting this. I turn my face towards his and he takes the invitation and kisses me hungrily, knowing that he has won. His kiss is promised-laden with sin, he slowly makes love to my mouth and I look forward to Dean making love to me soon.

 

“Dean...” I whisper when we come apart for air, but my hunter just presses me down onto my bed so that I have to sit on the edge of it and he crawls onto my lap while he lets my shirt fall from my shoulders. He kisses me again, then bends down to trail a line of feather light kisses down the side of my neck, over my shoulder and towards my chest. A low moan rises in my throat for Dean just bit down on my nipple, making my back arch into his touch.

 

“Shhh... I got you, Castiel.” Dean soothes me. Something in the way he says it is odd but I have given up thinking, my brain just shut down and I'm all instincts by now. My mind gets fuzzy and I feel my pants go tighter with every touch of his sensual lips to my skin. It burns where he kisses me, my blood is on fire within seconds, leaving me panting and moaning while Dean crawls deeper, kissing his way down over my chest, down over my stomach, until he kneels in front of me and lazily lets his tongue trail over my waistline, gently biting into my hip bone, making my hips quiver. I think my heart is trying to jump out of my chest, it pumps so fast, so exited because this is all I ever wanted. My gorgeous hunter praising my body with his lips that now nuzzle the soft flesh beneath my navel, licking, sucking, tasting every inch of skin he can reach.

 

Dean doesn't just go on, his hands linger on the zipper of my jeans and his eyes look up into mine, seeking for permission to go on. It takes a long while but I nod a little, knowing that I have lost the battle against my needs and my lust. Dean gives me a gentle, kind of nervous smile, his face going back to being serious as he zips down my pants and pulls them off my legs along with my boxers. I'm completely naked now and my hunter openly stares at me in awe, his eyes taking in what he has just freed from my pants. When he licks his lips, my breath hitches in my throat. There's no time to think about it, because a split second later a hot mouth is wrapped around my member, sucking me deep down and I fall back onto the bed with a scream torn from my throat.

 

“Dean...” His tongue licks the underside making my hips buck uncontrollably so that Dean grabs them and holds them firmly pressed against the mattress, his head beginning a slow, breathtaking rhythm up and down my length. This is better than just touching above the waistline and shyly kissing each other and I have to confess that I'm glad I finally, finally gave in. “Ah... Dean, I...” I don't even know what I was about to say because Dean stops, standing up in front of the bed to get rid of his own clothes. His body is gorgeous, slightly tanned and well muscled. He's beautiful all over and I so long to feel him. My own thoughts shock me: I want him in me, I want to feel him move in my body, I want to have him come in me because I want to know that this is as pleasurable for him as it is for me.

 

“Relax, Sweetheart, I will make you feel even better.” He has something in his hand, a small bottle and pours liquid onto his fingers, then they vanish between my legs. What...? Oh shit! One finger circles my entrance, playfully teasing me, while Dean watches me fall apart completely. He takes his time, not rushing anything and he waits until he knows that I'm a little bit more relaxed before he slides one finger in me. It is strange at first, my body tries to work against the intrusion but once he entered a second and third finger it gets better. This is Dean, I trust him completely and he will be gentle. He _is_ gentle. Soon I work my hips in rhythm with Dean's fingers and he grins at me knowingly. Again he gives me time to adjust and relax and after a few minutes it feels good, actually, and he gets a little bit more daring, entering deeper, brushing over a spot that drives me crazy when his fingers touch it.

 

My body is already working on overload and his little huffs and noises while he watches me are even adding to my pleasure.

 

“You're fuckin' hot like this, sweetheart.” Dean mumbles and bites down into a nipple, making me feel too much at the same time and no enough yet. “Feels good?” He asks and I nod, trying to get my mouth to work and my brain to form sentences.

 

“Yes, Dean, please don't stop, please...” That is coherent enough, I cannot think of anything else to say and fall back into this blissful state of just enjoying what he does to me.

 

“...but I have to.” He says with a devilish smile.

 

“No!” I gasp when he pulls his fingers out of my body and I feel suddenly empty, needing more. “Dean, please, please!” his hands fumble with the bottle again, making me wait too long, and when he lies down over me, he silences me with a deep, loving kiss, distracting me from the pain that follows as he slides into me slowly, carefully. I breathe through the pain while Dean waits until I have fully adjusted to him. Finally it feels great. This is Dean, he is so close to me. That is all I ever wished for. When I open my eyes, I find him staring down at me in awe.

 

“You're so damn beautiful.” He whispers with a sweet moan, making my heart flutter in my chest. My mind works on overload, this is too much for me, all these feelings flooding my veins. His smile stuns me, his green eyes show nothing but affection for me. He waits for me to adjust but it takes only seconds for me until I want more.

 

“Move, Dean. Please.” A roll of his hips against mine makes me see stars and my head falls back onto the bed. I don't know how much I can take before I'll just die in his arms. Another move, gentle lips tasting my neck, soft bites, soothing kisses and I fall apart completely apart under his movements. It is great to have him kiss me, touch me, in me... I'm lost, fully at his mercy and when he stops in his movements, my gut clenches. I need more! “Dean...” It is more a moan than a word.

 

“Look at me, Castiel.” I love how he uses my full name, but still it feels a little bit strange. “I wanna see your big blue eyes.” He goes on slowly, taking his time, now, driving me insane with his lazy movements against me. I want to close my eyes again to enjoy thoroughly but I keep them open and it gets even better while we stare into each others eyes. A tingling feeling gathers in my groin, I'm harder than ever before in my life, ready to burst, Dean's gentle thrusts against me caressing my member that rests between our stomachs with each movement.

 

I cannot believe that we are doing this. Having Dean so close to me is like a dream. This is what I really fell for and we both knew it all along. His flawless thrusts against me drive me almost insane, Dean finally has me and it really feels like coming home. I have never felt such bliss before and I was never so fully content as I am now, lying beneath the man I always ached for.

 

Our lusty moans grow more and more intense, Dean seems as lost as I am but he is unwilling to end this soon and so he changes his rhythm, making me moan when he slows down. It is more intense, I can feel him slide into me carefully, then back out and when I think that he's too far gone he slides back home, hitting _that_ spot in every go. My body, my heart and my soul feel finally complete. I want him for the rest of my life.

 

Dean's eyes are fixed on mine, his lips are parted and he gasps so erotically that I cannot tear my eyes away from his stunningly beautiful face. Something builds up even further, I won't last any longer and from the slight sheen of sweat on Dean's face and body, he's just as close.

 

“I – I... Oh God, Dean! So close...” He buries himself deep within my body, his hips stuttering, unable to hold back any longer.

 

“Come for me, Castiel.” Dean pants and his piercing green eyes urge me to obey.

 

This is it. I fall over the edge and feel my whole body shakes from the force of my orgasm as is pulses through me with utter force. I come all over Dean's and my stomachs but he doesn't notice, he closes his eyes, throws his head back and comes with a sinful groan deep inside me. I will never forget that sight.

 

Dean doesn't just collapse on top of me, he carefully pulls out of my body and lies down against my headboard to gather me in his arms. I'm totally spent, but this was long overdue. For now I’m feeling well and sated, enjoying the feeling of his arms around me as he presses me deeper into his embrace, his lips touching my temple in a feather light touch.

 

“You’re truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He whispers and again my heart skips a beat in my chest. It is really nice to hear this from my hunter though I’m afraid it is not the real Dean speaking and that fact still tears at my heart and makes me feel uncomfortable. I turn around a bit to hide my face in between his neck and shoulder, inhaling his scent deeply and it soothes me.

 

“Don’t ever leave me.” I mumble against his skin, not even sure if he has heard what I said but my eyes fall close and soon I drift off into a peaceful slumber. I dream of nothing but green eyes staring at me possessively.

 

**+XxX+**

 

In the morning I wake up to heavy swearing next to me that indicates that Dean is awake. The next thing I notice that the covers are thrown back and the mattress shifts as Dean jumps out of the bed in one swift jump.

 

“Fuck, Cas, did we really do this?” He asks nearly hysterically and my heart sinks instantly, leaving a sick feeling in my stomach. No! I feel tears sting behind my eyes but I hold them back and look up at the man who hastily jumps into his jeans, covering himself from view, ashamed even after what we have done last night. “What the hell? Was I drunk?” With a few steps Dean is by the door while I still sit in bed, my lower half thankfully covered by the sheets. “I thought this was some really weird dream.” My mouth opens and closes a few times, I don’t know what to say, because Dean seemed so happy last night when I finally gave in. What have I done? His hand grabs the door handle and that is when I finally bring out a word.

 

“Wait.” It is barely a choked whisper, I’m afraid that he will leave me just like this. I try to feel the strength I need, but there’s only emptiness left within me. “You… you chased me for weeks, since I met you in that night club, you nearly ripped my clothes off of me the first night and only yesterday I finally couldn’t stand it any longer and gave in.” His eyes widen at my words, he shakes his head.

 

“It was real?” His question leaves me puzzled.

 

“What was real?”

 

“The night club? We really met there? I was dead?” He asks and then it dawns on me: Dean remembers everything. “And I really forced you into this? Shit, Angel, I should never have touched your precious body.” With these words Dean doesn’t stand it any longer and storms out of my room, slamming the door shut behind him and I can hear his own just a few seconds later. My hands are shaking when I get up from my bed and pull on my own clothes that Dean has literally torn off my body yesterday. It feels strange to wake up like this, I was hoping he would hold me, tell me that everything is okay just like he did before I fell asleep.

 

Castiel! I stop dead in my movements when I find out what was wrong when he said my full name and now my whole body starts to shake. I never told him my full name and I don’t think Sam did either because he always calls me Cas since I have fallen, I’m not an angel anymore, so I’m just Cas. How on earth could Dean know my complete name? He even began to remember when he slept with me… Within seconds I’m in front of his room, urgently knocking because I need to talk to him.

 

“Dean.” No answer. “Dean please let me in and talk to me!” I hate that I’m pleading but my feelings are still on a rollercoaster, just like they are for weeks, now, and I cannot just turn away from him, it would kill me. “Please.” I whisper against the door and rest my forehead against the cold wood. I don’t dare to just walk into his room and force myself onto him, I feel rejected and don’t want to hear more harsh words from him. It takes a few seconds but then he opens the door and I stumble, catching myself before I fall. My face must look really miserable because the second he sees me, his face changes from angry to concerned and he steps aside to let me in. I haven’t even realized the tears that flow down my cheeks until he hands me a tissue to wipe them away. I sit down on his bed heavily, this is too much to bear.

 

“Cas…” He begins, then shakes his head.

 

“I knew this would happen.” I say, my voice shaking with each word.

 

“What?”

 

“I knew you would hate me if I gave in to you. I knew you would react like this when you remember everything again. Now you do and…” I stop because my voice breaks again, a sob rising in my throat that I don’t want Dean to hear.

 

“Why would I hate _you_ of all people in this world?” He asks, puzzled. “I should never have forced you into this, you’re an angel, you’re sacred… You know who I am and what I did in my life all these women and… apparently I even worked as a whore…” He calms down a bit. “You’re too good for th is. You deserve so much more, a nice wife, a normal life, far away from me and all those sins.” Oh.

 

“But I want _you_ , Dean.” I say, looking up to see his reaction. My handsome hunter is stunned, staring at me with an unreadable expression. He takes a shaky breath and walks over to where I sit on his bed, falling to his knees in front of me, resting his head in my lap to hide his face from me.

 

“I don’t deserve you, Angel.” He says and I feel his fingers trembling where they rest on the sides of my legs. I have never seen him that torn apart before and I have seen him in a lot of situations that would drive any normal man crazy.

 

“I’m not an angel anymore, Dean, I’m a man like you.” His head comes up and his green eyes lock with mine. They seem haunted, lost and terror stricken.

 

“No you’re not. You’re so much better than me…” I hear the hope in his next words and it nearly tears my heart apart that I’m the reason that he’s broken like this. We’re both broken right now. “Do you really want me?” He whispers, not daring to speak any louder, afraid that I might laugh at him. But how could I?

 

“Of course, Dean.” I break into a smile and dare to grab his face to pull him closer to me, leaning down to seal his lips with mine, gently lingering in an innocent kiss that confirms what I have just said. My hunter gets up from the floor and pulls me to my feet as well, pulling me into a bone crushing hug, holding me as close to him as possible, his face buried in my neck, his hand on the back of my head, holding me firmly in place, reassuring me.

 

“Forgive me for all the pain I caused you.” He begs and I nod against him.

 

“It’s not your fault. I…” Something interrupts me, a noise so strangely out of place that we both look up, both ready to kill whoever the intruder might be. Dean’s face shows nothing but surprise and when I turn around as well, I cannot trust my eyes. A man is standing in Dean’s room, his hair is blonde like honey framing a grinning face. He’s short but still holds his head high, his smirk growing deeper when he sees our expressions.

 

“Gabriel?” I ask stunned. I thought my brother was dead but there he is, clapping his hands slowly, sarcastically.

 

“Oh, little brother, never underestimate me.” He chides and walks towards Dean and me, eying us with more than a little amusement in his eyes. His mouth opens but the next moment the door is being opened and Sam storms in, weapon ready to shoot. When he sees Gabriel, he lets it sink slowly, his eyes filling with tears so fast that he cannot hide it in time. They roll down over his cheeks, falling onto his shirt but he doesn't even seem to notice.

 

“Gabriel?” He asks breathlessly, the weapon clattering to the ground. “The alarm went off, I came here as fast as I could but… Gabriel?” He asks again and my short brother finally breaks into a fit of laughter that shakes his whole body. As I look at Sam staring at Gabriel, I realize that it is more than shock on his face: hurt, hope, affection. Is he…? Okay, that is scary. Gabriel comes over to the taller man, invading his personal space, pressing their chests together – Gabriel ridiculously short compared to the tall hunter. Sam gulps and just plainly stares into my brother's mischievous eyes.

 

“Did you miss me, Sammy?” He wants to know, making Sam’s eyes dart towards Dean and me for a second. I guess he actually did, his lips give him away, they're trembling as if Sam's short from crying.

 

“Why’re you here?” Dean inquires, rescuing his brother from Gabriel’s piercing gaze and the archangel turns around towards him and me, never breaking the contact to Sam and I can even see his hand sneaking towards Sam's but he hides it behind his back. Gabriel's other hand makes a gesture that includes both me and Dean.

 

“I just wanted to admire what I have done. I deserve it” His answer is a riddle and obviously he can clearly read it on our faces because he sighs deeply and folds his hands behind his back, now walking up and down in the small room. “Cassie, it wasn’t really a secret that you love Dean more than Heaven. I mean you fell for him, how much deeper can love reach?” My cheeks grow red. “But then he died and in such a stupid way that it made you suffer even more. And his last words… Damn, they were so sickeningly sappy that I had to gag when I thought about it.” Dean shoots him a death glare. “Never mind, Dean-o. I couldn’t see you suffer, Cassie, I knew how much it hurt you. First you lose your grace and powers, then the man who helped you to make it through.”

 

“So _you_ raised him from the dead?” I’m not sure if I understood everything Gabriel just said but he nods, confirming it.

 

“I made you play a little game… I thought it would make his resurrection a little bit more interesting: I took Dean’s memories away from him and left his mind blank. I didn’t see it coming that he would work in a night club and sell himself for money.” I don’t think Dean wants to be reminded of this now and I step closer to him, grabbing his hand behind our backs, pressing it reassuringly. His small smile is more than enough for me. “But it was just as entertaining and I knew you would make it.” He snickers. “His memory wasn’t completely lost. I built in a backup and that was the best part of it: sleeping with my baby brother here would bring your memory back. It took you long enough… I almost thought that this would never work out.”

 

My mouth hangs open. Just like Dean’s. And Sam’s. I’m not sure if Sam’s hangs open just because of this strange story, but I guess we give a nice picture right now.

 

“You’re kidding, right?” Dean says, finding his voice first. “This was _so not_ funny, you damn motherfu –“

 

“Dean!” Sam stops him, making Gabriel laugh even more.

 

“Oh, it was funny, believe me. And there’s always a price to pay. You paid and everything will be back to normal soon.” He raises his finger, pointing at Dean and me. “So enjoy your time together! Don’t die again, there will be nothing I could do then.” He says and I nod. Gabriel was always a little bit like me: he rebels in his own way, seemingly rude but often he’s more than sweet… Most men aren’t able to see it in him but I can and I love him for that. I smile but he doesn’t let me say a word. “And now excuse me, lovebirds. I have to talk to your little brother Sammy.” Gabriel goes on, throwing one arm around Sam’s waist who has the most sheepish and lovesick grin on his lipsbefore they are covered by Gabriel's. Then they are just gone.

 

“What the _fuck_?” Dean yells and makes a step towards the spot where Gabriel and Sam stood just a second ago. “Where did he take Sammy?” He looks at me with panic in his eyes but I guess his confusion is caused by the many things that happened today.

 

“Haven’t you seen the look on Sam’s face when he saw Gabriel was still alive? I guess you're not the only one who fell for an angel, Dean.” I have to laugh at the stare I receive from Dean at this comment, his eyes searching mine, not believing what I just said. With another step towards him, we are chest to chest and I grab his face, my thumbs gently caressing the stubble on his cheek. I could really get used to being so close to him. “Sam was left to believe that Gabriel was dead. I know what he went through.” Memories come flooding back to me and I'm not able to hide it from my face soon enough. Dean nods and closes his eyes, his forehead resting against mine. He heaves a deep sigh.

 

“I still remember the day I died so clearly…” Dean says and opens his eyes to drown in mine. “All I could think of was that I was lying in your arms, that you held me and cried over the death of someone like me. And your eyes…” His hands come up and grab my face, he caresses the skin next to my eyes that wrinkles under his fingers when I smile, I'm so happy that he touches me so sweetly. “They are still as beautiful as on that day.” Dean mumbles against my lips before he takes away my breath again with a mind-blowing kiss. This one turns from gentle to hard within seconds and I realize that this is the first kiss Dean shares with me while he remembers everything. I’m so relieved right now, I don’t even care that we had to go through so much trouble to get it all back to normal but it doesn’t matter anymore. “Wow. That was the first chick-flick moment that didn’t feel awkward.” Dean says when we come apart for air and we both smile widely, enjoying this closeness to no end.

 

“I love you, Dean.” The words fall from my lips before I can stop them and the way he stares at me I think I have made a huge mistake, but then he’s all over me again, kissing me, while slamming my back against the wall with such force that the breath gets knocked out of me for a second.

 

“I love you, too, Sweetheart.” He confesses between two hungry kisses and I think Gabriel might be right: now everything will go back to normal. Though being with Dean will never be just _normal_ to me. It will be precious and I will enjoy every second that we have.

 

I cannot escape my hunter, he holds me against the wall with his body and I don't mind. He takes me right where we are, not able to control his lust. I just love the way he makes me scream with pleasure.

 

**END**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading ^^/)


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